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Archive for November, 2007

“Ben Fong-Torres” on Ben Fong-Torres’ Dec 2 Radio Show

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 29th, 2007

That kooky little tune of mine will be featured in the last half-hour of Ben Fong-Torres’ KFRC radio show this coming Sunday Dec 2 at 7 am to 9 am Pacific Time and replayed at 7 pm to 9 pm Pacific Time. He said the song has been cut down a little because it doesn’t fit in with the station’s classic rock format but I’m not complaining.

I was saying to Katie Clark the other day (the same “Katie” featured in “Improving,” track 4 off Choppa City) that the timing of this exposure could not possibly have been better. “Where I Am,” the disc that features the song, came out in 2002.

So Ben could have stumbled upon that disc at any time from then to now. I never planned on him finding it or even giving a damn but it’s truly the definition of serendipity that he did discover it…

a) the very month he started a new San Francisco-based radio show and
b) the same month I was releasing two new CDs!

Can someone with better math skills than I please compute the fucking odds of all those elements coming together at once? Despite it all, I have not resorted to believing in divine intervention. But if I did, I’d probably call it miraculous.

So, listen in this Sunday if you have the time.

New Front Page Has Broken The MCL

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 29th, 2007

I noticed ever since I put that special announcement page at the top of cvanepps.com for my new CDs, that all comment, category, and topic header links now take you to that same announcement page.

This is a bit of a head-scratcher and since I lack the programming skills necessary to troubleshoot such a problem, I think it’s going to have to stay that way until I can confer with “my people” about it.

Until then, I’ll just assume that each of you have nothing but well wishes and celebratory tidings. Okee-Dokee? Fine.

You can always make a comment on my Myspace Page.

Update as of 8:00 pm ET
Never mind the above. I got it to work.

The End of America, an interview with Naomi Wolf

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 26th, 2007

This is a long video but I feel it’s very important that you watch it in it’s entirety.

1) americanfreedomcampaign.org. Sign the pledge

2) Call or e-mail your representatives & press them to pass Ron Paul’s proposed legislation, House Resolution Bill 3835

3) Demand that Congress investigate crimes against the constitution and take appropriate action

How Not to be Gay

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 25th, 2007

Gibson’s Robotic Tuning

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 15th, 2007

Ben Fong-Torres is a Heluva Guy

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 11th, 2007

I just got off the phone with Ben Fong-Torres who had contacted me about possibly using my song with his namesake as the theme for his radio show on KFRC (Sundays 7 – 9 am and replayed 7 – 9 pm Pacific Time).

This is the man who was the last journalist to interview Jim Morrison, the guy who basically started Rolling Stone with Jan Wenner, the man who could write a book on Marxism without even trying.

That last one is my supposition, which he specifically asked about, along with my claim that he could do your dry-cleaning while on crystal meth. I didn’t have much of an answer other than to say that finding a good rhyme sometimes must be made at the cost of reality. But the heluva guy part is spot-on because he found the lyrics to be “most amusing,” which is cool.

He asked me if I’d ever written any other songs about real people and I responded, “No, other than my niece Allison which is a tune on Pseudo Placebo.” This, of course, was the perfect segway to tell him about my two CDs coming out this month.

So maybe he’ll mention it on his show. Please give it a listen!

Update for November 12, 2007:

I heard from Mr. Fong-Torres again today. Turns out the top brass at KFRC didn’t want to use a large portion of my song because they want all their jingles to be of the same style. He gave me an MP3 of the jingle and it’s just a “Ben Fong-Torres” from one of the choruses from my song together with some standard radio jingle type music.

I’m definitely in there but if your ears blink, you’ll miss it. It’s all good though, how often does a famous rock journalist call you on the phone?

Here’s another surprise. Ben was nice enough share with me his own lyrics set to my music. They are so much better than mine, but hey, he’s a real writer so I really don’t have much of a leg to stand on.

Here it is (I swear this is what he sent me; I think he might be a little nuts, albeit in a good way):

‘METH’ FONG-TORRES

His name is Ben Fong-Torres
He wrote for Rolling Stone
He was in ‘Almost Famous’
Going ‘crazy’ on the phone

It’s Ben Fong-Torres, his name’s a mystery
Is he Jewish or Latino? Or could he be Chinese?

Ben Fong-Torres
He went to S.F. State
Enrolled in ’62, He yet may graduate!
Ben Fong-Torres!

Ben Fong-Torres, once spoke with Janis Joplin
She wasn’t half as gonzo
As Dr. Hunter Thompson!

Ben Fong-Torres a critic? He is deaf!
But he’ll edit crap you write while high on crystal meth

Ben Fong-Torres will knock you off yer feet
And if he cannot do it, he’ll call on Dianne Sweet

Ben Fong-Torres, He used to give a fuck
Now he’s quite content to drive a taco truck.

Ben Fong-Torres, he’s sounding pretty hokey
Especially when on stage and he’s doing karaoke

Ben Fong-Torres, he followed all 12 steps
The thirteenth is a song by Christopher Van Epps
Ben Fong-Torres!

No, really! Ben Fong-Torres, he used to give a fuck
Now he’s quite content to drive a taco truck.

Ben Fong-Torres, he’s sounding pretty hokey
Especially when on stage and he’s doing karaoke

Ben Fong-Torres, he followed all 12 steps
The thirteenth is a song by Christopher Van Epps
Ben Fong-Torres!

Ben Fong-Torres! Ben Fong-Torres! Ben Fong-Torres!

I’m quite speechless. I may have to set the studio up again and record this thing.

The Queen of Queens

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 7th, 2007

JC Penney 1977

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 7th, 2007

Here’s a post by my brother, Steven. Take it away, Beaverboy:

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife’s grandfather. While my wife’s brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It’s like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This “all purpose jumpsuit” is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it’s slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob “No-pants” Saget has his hand in the other guy’s pocket. In this case, he doesn’t, although you can tell just by looking at them that it’s happened – or if it hasn’t happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup (not included).

Here’s how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day:

Dear god in heaven, I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this — Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F***. I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I’m guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?

Love Will Keep Us Together:

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled “Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best.”

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says “I love the way your junk fights against that fabric.”

Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that’s sexy.

Good one, Steven. Nice find.

Wake Up America

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 6th, 2007