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Archive for September, 2006

New YouTube: All the President’s Lies

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 29th, 2006

Check the Video Gems page for this update. The new video conveniently appears at the top of the page.

One thing I find hysterical about dyed-in-the-wool conservatives. They really think liberals hate America, as though liberals lived in a totally different country. Never does it enter conservative’s heads that liberals, purely out of love, want America to be better.

I think Al Franken said it best (paraphrasing, here). He said conservatives love America in much the same way a dog loves it’s master. Unable to comprehend complexities, providing unconditional love and affection, drooling before being fed (I added that part). Liberals love America like one adult loves another adult, like spouses. Out of love, adults are able to see the shortcomings of their spouse. And out of love, they want their spouse to address and overcome those shortcomings so they can be better.

Nothing America does can upset a conservative. Except when they elect a liberal.

Nothing to Say

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 28th, 2006

Aside from fixing the YouTube gallery on my Video Gems page, I have very little to report. There’s nothing in the news that riles me up too much. Perhaps the two reports that contradict Bush’s claim that we’re “winning the war against terror” gets me riled up a little bit but not really enough to share a fully-formed opinion. I dunno, I guess I’m distracted.

Maybe it’s watching that terrible movie the other day, called Chaos. Ladies, do yourselves a big favor: Never Watch This Movie. Trust me.

Oh yeah, there’s sort of an update on Flo, my e-mail scammer. She hasn’t responded to my latest e-mail including the picture of “Lucky.” I think I waited too long to reply and the connection went cold. That or she found this website. Either way, the scam the scammer bit is probably over. :(

So there you have it. That’s my post for today. Pathetic, yes?

My Favorite YouTubes

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 26th, 2006

Hello everyone. I updated my “Video Gems” page to include a gallery of YouTube favorites. Enjoy!

Animated GIF Day

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 23rd, 2006

Solitary Confinement

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 17th, 2006

Here, we see New York City’s finest cleaning up the clubs (click to see what’s on the officer’s computer screen).

Move along, nothing to see here.

Value of Life?

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 16th, 2006

At happy hour last night, I mentioned a story I saw about Juliana Wetmore, the Florida girl who was born without facial bones. I forget how this topic came up because it’s not the kind of thing you just volunteer in a happy hour sort of conversation. I think I was trying to make a point about the value of life but I really can’t be sure. Once you see these pictures, you’ll know what I mean.

You have been warned.

http://www.julianawetmore.net/

I originally saw this story on Something Awful and I really thought it was a terrible joke (seeing how Something Awful is all about “bringing the funny”) but as I Googled around, I discovered the awful truth. This poor girl’s family runs the above website and posts pictures & stories about her daily goings-on.

Hey, I realize that since I’m not a parent, I lack the parental perspective on this issue. I may be an insensitive prick and all but I’ll never judge the value of love for one’s kid. Besides, that’s not at issue here. I’m quite sure this family loves their child. But as Juliana grows up, how can this girl possibly lead a life that resembles normal? Is the value of life so high that a parent must subject their child to what will surely be a miserable existence? I’d say “no” but that’s me.  Oops, I guess I am judging it.

Lucky Revealed to Flo

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 16th, 2006

I finally responded to the lovely Flo. The beginning of this saga can be found here.

Sup Flo?

Sorry for the big delay in responding to you but there is a good reason for such a delay.

You see, I’ve been laid-off from my job. You might not be aware of that American colloquialism so let me say that I’ve been made redundant, I’ve been fired, I lost my job. Lucky’s health has taken a turn for the worse, in addition to being a three-legged pooch (see attached photo).

Lucky the Pooch

He now has an ear infection and without money to take him to the vet, I may never see the inheritance left to me by my crazy Uncle Gunther.

Once I find a new job, I can take Lucky to the vet (which I found out will cost $160), show the bill “paid-in-full” to the probate lawyer, and take receipt of my $4.72 million inheritance.

Things are tough here in America, however. Jobs are very scarce because of the war with the evil Al Qaeda in Iraq. I know that George Bush will save us all, God-willing. God bless George W. Bush and his entire administration. I know he will take this country in the right direction.

Sorry for getting political on you, I get worked up sometimes.

Please let me know what the next step is in this risky-free investment venture. I’m so excited about this opportunity, and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control, and between you and me, Flo, I think I like it.

All My Best Wishes,
Horace Pankin

I’m sure she’ll respond at some point so stay tuned.

The Who on Tour

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 13th, 2006

The Windmill Still Blows

According to this story, The Who kicked off their world tour in Philadelphia, their first in 20 years. The band is comprised of the usual suspects: Pete Townshend, 61 and Roger Daltry, 62. Taking bass duties over for the deceased John Entwistle is Pino Palladino (say this name out loud, it’s fun) and on drums is Ringo Starr’s kid, Zak Starkey.

Hey, 61 isn’t too old for a guitar player. If Keith Richards can fall out of a palm tree at age 63 and later play guitar in argueably the biggest band on the planet, then I think that 61 year-old youngster can do a few windmills if he wants.

I’ve said before that early bands like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, and The Kinks were the musical equivalent of manifest destiny. Rock & Roll was fairly new back then and because these guys were the first, they had the best chances to make it. Because they were so good, they set a high standard. Finally, because they were so prolific, they had staying power. No one will ever be first again, so that point is lost forever. But even if you’re prolific and good, that doesn’t mean squat today. Together with the internet, countless great bands led by prolific songwriters abound, thus the musical landscape is totally saturated, making what used to be a few dozen radio station outlets into a din of thousands of ways to hear, and more likely, not hear, the next big thing.

So it’s hard out here for a musician.

Ellen DeGeneres to Host Academy Awards

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 8th, 2006

I can’t think of a worse choice. Any time Ellen DeGeneres is on TV, I immediately change the channel. I don’t know exactly why but she just rubs me the wrong way. For instance, normally, I’d feature a picture of the person I’m writing about (especially how easy it is to upload pics with this new version of WordPress) but I don’t wish to sully my li’l blog with a picture of that woman. So it’ll be a bad Oscar telecast next year given my feelings about her because I’ll be busy pushing buttons on my remote when she’s on and then have to come back to watch them distribute awards. After all, I can’t miss the Oscars. That’s just crazy talk. The Oscar show is my Super Bowl.

I’d like to see Conan O’Brien host the Oscars. On YouTube, I saw his opening number while he was hosting the Emmys and it was phenomenal! I’d provide a link to it but I saw this message instead:

This video has been removed at the request of copyright owner The 58th Annual Emmy Awards because its content was used without permission.

NBC bastards.

CBS News

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 6th, 2006

Katie_Couric.jpg

So how many of you caught Katie Couric on CBS News last night?

Seriously, is network news even in the same vicinity as relevant? Between cable news channels like CNN, which run 24 hours a day, and the internet, which also runs 24 hours a day, why would anyone limit themselves to a one-hour block of the day in which to absorb their news?

So fuck you too, Katie.

Steve Irwin’s Death Not Ironic

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 5th, 2006

steve_irwin.jpg

I’ve already heard people mistakenly refer to the famed naturalist’s death as ironic. Irony is when the actual result is the direct opposite of the expected result. Like when a lifeguard drowns.

The term irony is one of those words of which people have just lost understanding. Irony gets false credit for coincidence, tragedy, and serendipity but none of those terms have that extra inequality-of-results element.

An ironic Steve Irwin death would be, I dunno, in an old-age home?

My Reponse to Flo

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 1st, 2006

In reponse to the original e-mail

Hello Florence.

What serendipity occasions your most splendid offer! I often wonder about God’s sublime plan and how it all fits together. I suppose we mere mortals may never know!

Firstly, let me offer my deepest condolences for your loss. I know exactly how you feel, you see my crazy Uncle Gunther has recently passed away. Uncle Gunther was involved in some real estate development of some sort (these things elude me). But let me tell you about his craziness.

During the reading of the will, my crazy Uncle Gunther bequeathed several “boots to the head” to many of my family members. That is to say, the probate lawyer, while reading the will and doing my late Uncle’s bidding…would reach over the desk with a black rubber boot and firmly smack my father’s head with it. Apparently, my Uncle was upset with his brother but he didn’t stop there. He did the same thing to my mother, and my two sisters.

I thought for certain that I’d be next in line to receive a “boot to the head” but instead, my Uncle gave to me his three-legged dog named Lucky. Lucky was run over by a truck and had to have his front leg removed. Lucky was present at the reading of the will and just before the lawyer’s assistants handed the dog over to me, the probate lawyer reached across the desk and gave the dog a “boot to the head.” I was stunned.

But that was nothing. My crazy Uncle Gunther also revelaed that I was to be the sole heir to his entire estate worth $4.72 million!!! My family was so upset! There was only one stipulation: I’d be required to take care of Lucky, take him to the vet, get him a complete checkup, get him a haircut, get his chest x-ray’d, fix his teeth, and clean his ears. Wow! Little did I know how expensive those things are.

But since you and I are going to become business partners, I should be able to take care of these tasks without a problem! Serendipity!

So yes, please tell me what I need to do to get the 15%!

I’ll forward a picture of Lucky to you next week. He’s quite a loving pooch.

All my best wishes,
Horace Pankin

I sent that a couple days ago. Her response below came last night.

Dear Horace Pankin, Thanks a lot for all your explanations. In fact your urgent response has given me a relief of mind in my search for an honest and sincere person that will understand my critical present situation here and also your assurance concerning the proposal I sent to you for assisting me for fund transfer and investment establishment in your base for long time relationship for the mutual benefits of both of us.

However dear Horace Pankin, what I mean is that I inherited this vital sum from my late father, Which I will need your assistance for the investment establishment in lucratvies avenue over there in your base. This fund was deposited in a prime bank here in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire west Africa where I am staying now but very willing to travel out due to the political instablity in the country and also because of my uncle and my late father’s business associate.

The fund is deposited with the name of my late father as the depositor while my name as the next of kin. I have been at the bank to confirm the extance of this fund with the deposit lodgement recipt the bank issued to my late father as of the time he made this deposit.The bank has also issued to me a statement of account confirming the existance of the fund deposit.

I am assuring you that everything is in order and we are going to conclude smoothly and transparently with smiles on our faces. Only what I need from you is to a good and honest partner who will assist me to receive this fund in a good account over there in your country and invest it properly in a lucrative venture over there in your country. I want you to be rest assured that this project is 100% risky free and legitimate in the sense that there will never be any strange protocol or what ever illegality to be attached. You need not be skepiticalor worried of any type about this proposal It was due to the political instabilty in our country and also because of these bad people that make’s me to search for a means to get out of the country. I will be delighted to inform you the precious areas in which I need your assistance since i have already informed you the source and origin of my fund is inheritance from my late father Since after the death of my father I have waitted to make sure that no body is aware of this fund before I decided to contact you personaly for this transaction, hoping that you will not let me down. No other person who is aware of the fund, No body knows my where about,As I am staying in a guest house out side the city now.

The areas I need your assistance is follows:

1) Just for you to assist and make sure this fund is retrieve from the bank smoothly into your account oveseas with out much taxes toyour government and negotiate for lucratrives and profitable investment in which the fund will be invested properly with out much taxes to the government.

2) For you to help me to receive me over to your country on my arrival and secure a perment resident permit, to further my education before going to business.

3) In fact for you to be the guardian of this fund investing it in a lucratives venture why I further my education because I will like to continue my study.

For your assistance in these areas I am suggesting to give you at least 15% from the total fund after the transfer while 3% will be set outside for any expenses that might incur during the transaction. Then rest will be for the investment.

As soon As I receive your positive response I will contact you for more vocal conversation and I will send to you the documents of proof concerning this deposit in order for you link up with the bank direct to confirm the cetainty of the deposit and thearrange with them how the fund will be transferred into your account for the establishment.

Meanwhile,I will be going to the bank tomorrow to discuss with the director the best the fund will be transfer to any account you will provide. I believe that if we follow up things as I planned the fund will be into any account you might provide within few days.

For my brief introduction, Iam :Miss Florence Kouadio.
I am citizen of Republic of Ivory coast.
Name of my Late father: Mr Mohab Kouadio.
Name of my Late mother: Mrs Rabie Kouadio. My Late father before his death was wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory coast.
This is my brief data,

I will send you my picture Immediately i receive your response, If there are other things you will like to know about me,please feel free to ask me and i will give youthe information. This is to enable us know ourselves better, build trust and build our relationship before we make the transfer. Send me your direct telephone number for our easy communication and also your picture which you promised to send to me in your next mail. I expect your urgent mail.

Thanks and god bless you.

Yours Sincerely

Florence Kouadio.

I’m working on a response now. Come back to see how it goes, won’t you?