Movies I've watched recently:

    • Synecdoche, New York (2008) 10/10

      2010-05-23 08:30
      * * * * *

      See full review post dated May 23, 2010.

      0.3

    • Zombieland (2009) 8/10

      2009-10-23 00:12
      * * * *

      Now that Shawn of the Dead showed us that zombie movies could be funny, we've got another good one. In fact, it seems you can't go wrong with the zombie-comedy, which I'll go ahead and tag "Zomedy"...rent "Fido" for another great groundbreaking genre-buster. There's nothing new here in terms of character-arcs, which are kind of boxed-in when you're dealing with zombie flicks: the only family you have is the survivors you're with. Well, very good. Gold star. No, where Zombieland shines is the visual storytelling style (think Fight Club apartment catalog scene) and the chemistry/humor between the main characters. Also, watch for a truly unexpected (and inspired) cameo. Solid flick.

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    • Paranormal Activity (2007) 4/10

      2009-10-23 00:05
      * *

      Here's another tired entry into the Blair Witch Project School of Movie Making. The only difference is that that movie was genuinely scary. Paranormal Activity was aptly named because it was paranormal cinema: the pacing was far too slow and the characters were super annoying. The visual effects are used minimally but I think that's a good thing. I just wish there were more scares here. I admire the filmmakers' fortitude but so much more could have been done to heighten the terror.

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    • Inglourious Basterds (2009) 10/10

      2009-09-20 10:37
      * * * * *

      Tarantino does his thing once again, quite effectively at that. By creating an alternate version of WWII (where every single German soldier is a Nazi and Hitler is shot to death in a theater), he is free to explore plot lines and characterizations without having to check any history books. Purists will hate it for this reason, of course, but since when do we require their approval? The way Tarantino constructs his scenes as preludes to violence reminds me of a child diligently making a house of cards. But instead of doing it the way we all did as kids, Tarantino uses about three-dozen decks of playing cards. He's got to fight the childish urge to become bored with the procedure, taking several days, ladders, scaffolds, and brow-mopping, the structure eventually reaching to the ceiling; then suddenly, nonchalantly, knocking it down during a lunch break. Hitchcock was a master of suspense because he adhered to the "bomb theory" which states that the audience is given more information--the ticking bomb--than the characters are given to create suspense, thereby involving the audience. Hitchcock explains this effect simply when he says, "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." Well, that's all fine and good, but what else does a bomb do but explode? Tarantino understands the limited value in anticipation of a situation that has only one outcome (the bomb). Instead, he weaves characterization, story-arc, plot and ultimately humor, together with an everyday situation to create his suspense. There is nothing as obvious as a bomb to explode in Tarantino's scenes but because we've been given just enough information about the characters and the story, we know *something's* about to happen, so it's far more subtle. I think Mr. Hitchcock would have liked Mr. Tarantino quite a lot.

      0.3

    • Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) 4/10

      2009-04-01 09:34
      * *

      Another lame attempt at comedy from the mind of Kevin Smith. It starts out very promising: two friends stumble upon fame with a viral video and they decide to springboard into the porn biz. But, in pure Kevin Smith fashion, the story has to wade through insincere sentimentality and clumsy pathos. I had to stop watching it early. Note to Kevin Smith: please stop making comedies. Make the movies you clearly want to make: ponderous drama.

      0.3

    • Role Models (2008) 9/10

      2009-04-01 09:27
      * * * * +

      Funny flick. I'm very much enjoying the recent wave of comedies starting with Old School in 2003.

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    • W. (2008/I) 8/10

      2009-04-01 09:22
      * * * *

      George W. gets a pretty fair shake from Oliver Stone here. Especially good are all the supporting roles: Thandie Newton is indistinguishable from the real Condi Rice, Richard Dreyfus does an amazing Dick Cheney, and Jeffrey Wright's portrayal of Colin Powell is very memorable.

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    • Taken (2008/I) 8/10

      2009-04-01 09:20
      * * * *

      Pretty by-the-numbers thriller but overall, not too bad.

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    • Gran Torino (2008) 4/10

      2009-04-01 09:18
      * *

      Given his one-take-is-good-enough directorial style, Clint Eastwood's movies are approaching the point of lameocity. Watch this flick and see if you can suspend your disbelief.

      0.3

    • Rambo (2008) 6/10

      2008-09-06 19:09
      * * *

      Strangely, I didn't hate it.

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    • Juno (2007) 6/10

      2008-09-06 19:08
      * * *

      Strangely, I didn't love it.

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    • The Happening (2008) 2/10

      2008-06-24 09:41
      *

      What spell does M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong have over the studio execs?

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    • The Incredible Hulk (2008) 6/10

      2008-06-24 09:32
      * * *

      I never understood why so many people disliked 2003's "Hulk" with Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly (who is far far sexier than Liv Tyler, the Betty Ross of this flick) and I also preferred Sam Elliott as General Ross over William Hurt, who was miscast, I think. But what do I know? The five-year-old version was far more of an introspective look at Hulk than this one and what is so terrible about introspection? Ed Norton is also miscast a little bit but Tim Roth was excellent. So I'm perplexed at this "reboot." It wasn't bad but I liked the other one.

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    • Iron Man (2008) 8/10

      2008-06-24 09:29
      * * * *

      Great effects, good story, and it's got Robert Downey Jr. and Jeff Bridges. I liked it a lot.

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    • "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"... 2/10

      2008-04-21 01:23
      *

      I've been watching some TV shows on Hulu.com, which is NBC Universal's answer to YouTube and iTunes. On it, you can watch several dozen different TV programs for free, but you've got to suffer through a few commercial breaks. So it's basically TV via the internet. I had discovered a way to deal with their commercial breaks so that I'd skip them completely but now they're starting to put logos in the lower-right corner: for "Ragu" and the like. So my time with Hulu may be over but not before I sound off on Aaron Sorkin's failed TV show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It's a reflexive take on a sketch-based, late night TV show featuring Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford as the new producers that've come to save the sagging show, the operative word here being 'sagging.' Sorkin sure doesn't mind taking himself seriously, does he? With The West Wing, Sorkin's tendency to get heavy-handed and portentous was forgivable because it was subject-matter appropriate. But with a show about the inner-workings of an SNL clone, it just feels like bad TV. All 22 episodes are available on Hulu but I had to stop mid-way through the season, it was that bad.

      0.3

    • Michael Clayton (2007) 10/10

      2008-02-21 10:33
      * * * * *

      George Clooney's weird delivery normally bothers me. He's got this "who me" style of acting that strikes me as kind of slimy. He's got the same thing going on in Michael Clayton but because the story so perfectly crystallizes what's wrong with corporate America, that even all the weird acting delivery styles amount to little more than half a hill of beans. Michael Clayton is a study of human nature left alone to do it's thing: greed trumps common sense and power trumps the question of right and wrong. Clooney plays a corporate "fixer," the guy you call when you find yourself chest-high in shit. When a fellow attorney, played by Tom Wilkinson, working on a high-profile class-action lawsuit strips naked during a deposition and chases the plaintiffs through the parking lot, who ya gonna call? Clayton discovers that his colleague didn't suffer a breakdown but an awakening. The film is put together brilliantly.

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    • No End in Sight (2007) 10/10

      2007-12-06 10:59
      * * * * *

      This documentary does a superb job in disseminating precisely what went wrong with the Iraq invasion and who was responsible. It doesn't get involved with debating the "why did we invade Iraq" question too much, rather it itemizes specific mistakes made by men with too little experience and too much bravado. Ultimately, these mistakes piled up to the fiasco we have today. See it.

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    • "30 Rock" (2006) 7/10

      2007-11-14 10:25
      * * * +

      I've been watching season one of 30 Rock via Netflix's Instant Viewing feature. It's really funny in a typical sitcom fashion but the episode that made me post this was "Black Tie" where Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens plays the Austrian Prince Gerhardt. That entire sequence threw me into such a laughing fit that I very nearly approached death. So if you watch only one episode of this sitcom, make sure it's Black Tie.

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    • Death Proof (2007) 9/10

      2007-10-11 12:13
      * * * * +

      When it comes to creating a fictional world in which we can sense something out of place yet immediately feel at home, Quentin Tarantino is the undisputed king. Consider the thieving world of Reservoir Dogs, the haphazard gangster world of Pulp Fiction, the assassin-for-hire world of Kill Bill. He does it here again with Death Proof, which is both an homage to the wave of muscle car movies of the 60's & 70's as well as a signature Tarantino movie: where characterization remain at the forefront. This is why films made by goofball filmmakers like...say...Kevin Smith...will always seem childish in comparison, and also why they likely will not stand the test of time. Why am I attacking Kevin Smith in a Death Proof sidebar review? Ohhh, no particular reason, just to emphasize the fact that Tarantino exists on a totally different plane from his contemporaries who also rose to prominence in the early 90's, like Smith, and is so clearly a powerhouse filmmaker whose work eclipses a hack such as Smith with such deft confidence that it borders on criminality. Yep, that's why. Anyway, I enjoyed Death Proof a great deal. See it. By the way, I plagiarized much of this review from Kevin Smith's mother.

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    • Sicko (2007) 10/10

      2007-06-28 18:05
      * * * * *

      The way documentary filmmaker Michael Moore got to be the King of Polemics is that he wasn't above making the odd distortion here or there in order to make his point. I've been very critical of his Oscar-winning film, Bowling for Columbine, because of the obvious way in which he manipulated the facts. I'm thinking primarily of the way BFC was edited. Now, I'm no NRA nut by any means, but that film just annoyed me because I could see the manipulation right in front of me. His new film, Sicko, on the other hand, strikes me as more than fair. I watch quite a few documentaries as part of my film entertainment and Moore's docs are obviously different than the others because of his willingness to inject so much personal opinion into his narrative thread. Other documentaries take more of a journalistic approach and I enjoy those docs too. But I believe Moore wants the world, and in particular, America, to be a better place. What better way to accomplish this than to point out some shortcomings? Many die-hard Republicans believe that pointing out America's shortcomings is tantamount to treason. It's likely that none of those die-hard Republicans have ever been refused health care the same way as many of the subjects in Moore's film. And that's a shame because it seems the only way the American health care system can improve is if the wealthy and the powerful can know what it's like to be denied that benefit. It's baffling to see so many people be so critical of his position. Do they really think the health care system in this country is OK the way it is? I recently had to pay cash out of my pocket for two trips to urgent care because my employer-provided health coverage did not cover it. I hope this film does well and that Moore's word gets out there.

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    • "The Sarah Silverman Program."... 10/10

      2007-06-12 11:57
      * * * * *

      Sarah Silverman is getting a lot of airtime in my house lately, but her brand of humor is directly up my alley, and I rarely fight such a thing. This show is her stand-up act incarnate in much the same way that "Seinfeld" was Jerry's stand-up act, only much more mean-spirited, which I love. All the cast has something to do here, and they each contribute to the comedy. In particular, I like Brian Posehn and Steve Agee as the wacky neighbors. Also, my Mr. Show favorite Jay Johnston is on hand as the straight man to all the remaining goofiness. But the star here is Sarah, and she puts it out there like no other. The scene in the 6th episode, "Batteries" where a driver with the same car as Sarah pulls up next to her to celebrate the similarity, and what Sarah shoots him down with took me by complete surprise and it also took me a good while afterward to catch my breath, I was laughing so hard. So if you hate people like I do, this is the show for you.

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    • Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005) 10/10

      2007-06-06 18:48
      * * * * *

      When Sarah Silverman went into her bit about how sexy Jewish women could be, I fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. Stand-up comedy, funny songs, and she's a way-rockin hottie to boot. That gets you 5 stars, m'dear.

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    • "Crime Story" (1986) 8/10

      2007-04-29 01:15
      * * * *

      This Michael Mann television show from 1986 was in the shadow if his other shining star, Miami Vice, but it is superior is just about every way. The first season comes about as close to perfection as you could hope for: the conflict between Lt. Mike Torello (Dennis Farina) and Ray Luca (Anthony Denison), the set design depicting 1963 Chicago, the music is first rate, and who could forget the hilarious comic relief provided by Pauli Taglia (John Santucci). Even the guest stars are fantastic: Ving Rhames, Pam Grier, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Michael Madsen, the list goes on and on. This show is just as good as anything on TV today. Rent the box set and you won't be disappointed. [Important Edit: you may, however, be disappointed in the final episode of season 1, as it seems like they just got tired of writing and wanted to go home...but still, it's a rock-solid show]

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    • Casino Royale (2006) 10/10

      2007-03-15 05:09
      * * * * *

      Finally, a Bond picture about James Bond. This flick sheds the stylistic trappings of all the other 007 pictures and presents a film that could have passed as independent art-house fare. Make no mistake, there are still huge action sequences. The opening chase scene, for instance, is amazing. But Casino Royale is about who James Bond really is, not the James Bond we've all known since Dr. No in 1962. It's worth a look.

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    • A Sound of Thunder (2005) 4/10

      2007-03-11 14:09
      * *

      I first saw this on HBO a few months ago and I thought it was utterly ridiculous. HBO is showing it again and on second viewing, it's still utterly ridiculous but I can see some brilliant ideas in it. Based on a Ray Bradbury story, "A Sound of Thunder" tells the tale of time travellers who inadvertently change the past which in turn alters their present. Tragically, the film's budget cannot allow those ideas to be properly expressed. For instance, the scene where Edward Burns and Catherine McCormack have a conversation in a CGI-generated street, with golly-gee-wiz futuristic cars speeding by. Or how about the plastic-looking T-Rex that menaces our heroes? Or the pre-historic eel sequence (this is one of the most unintentionally funny sequences I've ever seen). Such corner-cutting makes it impossible to suspend your disbelief. The producers should all be sent to CGI jail. If you can ignore the goofy images, however, what you'll find is a pretty complex storyline. It's one of the worst-looking good movies I've seen.

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    • Grilled (2006) (V) 10/10

      2007-02-12 21:56
      * * * * *

      Here's another must-rent, kids. Grilled is Pulp Fiction meets Glengarry Glen Ross. It's unpredictable, funny, dramatic, and best of all not cliched. It's everything independent cinema excels at. I didn't think Ray Romano could make a good film after Welcome to Mooseport but he's simply perfect here. The plot will have you guessing and the story is solid. It's not a laugh-out-loud comedy but I don't think that's what they were going for. Kevin James (of King of Queens) is also great, although he's already proven himself in Hitch. I guess the best thing I liked about Grilled is that it avoided being just another vehicle for established television stars. It could have been easy for them to screw this one up by writing these characters as TV actors on the big screen. But these are real movie characters: fleshed out and whole. Great movie!

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    • An American Haunting (2005) 4/10

      2007-01-30 21:30
      * *

      My dog Jake got a lot more out of this movie than I did. There are plenty of dog snarls and growls that, if sent through a properly amplified surround sound system, will frighten the bejesus out of any pooch. Other than the value scaring your dog brings you, there's not much else here. I think Donald Sutherland and Sissie Spacek had an I'll-do-it-if-you-will pact between them. I gave it 1 star but Jake insisted on giving it 3, so we averaged it out. Woof.

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    • Serenity (2005) 9/10

      2007-01-28 10:43
      * * * * +

      The story behind this film is pretty remarkable but I'm very much a latecomer in understanding it. In 2002, the Fox Network aired a little-seen sci-fi television series called Firefly. I never watched it back then, and to be sure, I wasn't alone. Creator Joss Whedon, whose credits include the critically acclaimed TV shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel," got a green light to produce 13 episodes but because it got such poor ratings, Fox yanked it from the roster after airing only ten. Not to be stripped of yet another quality television show, the series' rabid and very vocal fanbase started a grass roots effort (the likes of which put Trekkies to shame) to save the show. Several million Firefly DVD box sets later, Universal Pictures green-lighted a major motion picture. This is something that has never ever happened before: a movie was made based on a TV show with a downright disasterous rating. It only happened because of the "Browncoats," which is the fanbase's preferred nomenclature. As a film, it's not perfect. It moves just a bit too quickly to be understood at first viewing but as a continuation of the wonderful TV show, it's shiny. There's a line in the series' pilot episode, spoken by Nathan Fillion's character, Malcolm Reynolds: "We've done the impossible and that makes us mighty." So, too, have the fans. I reccomend that everyone watch the TV show on DVD and then watch this film. It's quite a tale, indeed.

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    • The Descent (2005) 10/10

      2007-01-19 07:41
      * * * * *

      I'm so thankful that I didn't know very many details about this film before I watched it. Directed by Neil Marshall of "Dog Soldiers" fame, it's documentary quality makes it seem like it's merely going to be a story of six adventurous women who get trapped in a huge cave complex in the Appalachian mountains. As these women begin their descent, I specifically remember thinking "it would be great if it's just them in the cave, trapped with each other, trying to find a way out, like Cube, but underground. If this thing turns into a monster movie, I'm going to be a little disappointed." I was very wrong. Not only about the plot but about how great it could be WITH the monsters. If you've never been in a cave deep underground like I have (Carlsbad Caverns, NM) then you may not have the same reaction but man oh man, this movie really freaked me out. This inventive film completely bucks the formulaic trappings of a typical horror film and that's a difficult thing to do. The ending is the thing that truly elevates this film from entertainment to art. Rent it. Shut off the lights. Watch it. Have a roll of TP handly because you might just shit your pants.

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    • Population 436 (2006) 9/10

      2006-12-29 07:56
      * * * * +

      Upon learning that Fred Durst, lead caterwaller for the aptly named Limp Bisquick, had a very prominent role in this film, I was all prepared to hate it thoroughly. But as the film went on, I really got into it. This is a very well-made and effective horror film but with a minimum amount of blood. Not that blood's a problem per se, but there's accolades to be handed out for making a solid horror film without resorting to gore. Starring Jeremy Sisto and directed by television producer/director Michelle Maxwell MacLaren, the film is about a census taker who comes to Rockwell Falls to investigate why they've had the same population for 100 years. This film makes use of the old "slow reveal" device to make it's secrets known, like Amnityville Horror or The Omen before it. The difference is that we already knew the house in Amnityville Horror was haunted. We already knew Damien was the Antichrist. In Population 436, we might THINK we know what's going on in the beginning: the arrival or birth of one person in Rockwell Falls means the death of someone else. But there's a lot more going on here and how it all works in the end is not without it's surprises. Jeremy Sisto, whose debut performance I made special mention of when I reviewed Grand Canyon for my college newspaper in 1991, continues to be a major presence while on the screen. This film is most certainly deserving of a rental.

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    • Superman Returns (2006) 3/10

      2006-12-09 11:07
      * +

      Yikes! What a miscalculation! Bryan Singer directs a much darker version of the man of steel by filling the docket with one ill-concieved scene after another. Every single major role was miscast: Brandon Routh as Superman, Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, and the biggest casting mistake since Jack Black in King Kong: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. Even Jimmy Olsen and Perry White were all wrong (Sam Huntington and Frank Langella, respectively). Man, I'm not exactly sure what Singer was going for here but it really doesn't work. All the joy and ebullience found in the first two Superman films with Christopher Reeve has been completely extracted, leaving an empty, mean-spirited tale replete with terrible performances by everyone listed above. The only thing going for this cinematic suppository is the spectacle of Superman's deeds: he can finally do some really super things. Except act. Want an example? Fine: I saw no fundamental difference between Clark Kent and Superman. They were both dweeby little douches. Brandon Routh lacks the emotional range to make it clear that these two people are different, something Christopher Reeve seemed to do effortlessly. One thing this movie did very well was it made you appreciate Reeve's performance in the originals. He truly was the man of steel. Here's another example: every time Kate Bosworth is on the screen. That's it, that's my example. She is so wrong for Lois Lane that I question the producer's desire to make a winning film. Margot Kidder effectively defined Lois Lane as an energetic, slightly scatter-brained dynamo. I can't say if she was that way in the comic book (because since I turned twelve, I no longer require pictures with stories) but the effect Bosworth has on the movie is like a plague. She's a sucker of scene-energy. It was almost painful to watch. Here's a funny thing. The label printed on the Netflix DVD envelope reads "Superman Returns: The Movie" I believe I shall do the same.

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    • The Omen (2006) 6/10

      2006-10-18 06:42
      * * *

      Because I'm a big fan of the "religious horror" genre, I very nearly endured a theater experience in order to watch this when it was released. While I'm glad I didn't, because the original 1976 flick with Gregory Peck was a little better, this remake with Liev Schreiber wasn't without it's merits. The new scenes, which consisted of dream sequences by the mother, played by Julia Stiles, were quite good and creepy. Regarding the myriad remakes of late, I'd much rather watch a shot-for-shot, faithful to the original remake with some new ideas than sit through some auteur-in-training's idea of a retelling. There are exceptions, of course, like Batman Begins, which was excellent. But director John Moore clearly likes the original film and uses it as a blueprint. So basically, the remake was good because it follows the original, which was great. If you're like me, it's worth a rental.

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    • Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (2004) 9/10

      2006-10-08 09:53
      * * * * +

      This documentary by Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky (the pair behind some of the very best documentaries ever made) gives us an all-access pass to Metallica, argueably the biggest hard rock band today as evidenced by selling over 90 million records worldwide. What I found enjoyable about this film was the way it revealed how human these guys are. It shows the struggle the band went through to make their comeback record, St. Anger, and it reveals how they hired a therapist to help them with their issues, how they fight with each other, and how they hired a replacement bassist for a tour. I don't really like Metallica's music very much but this doc was mesmerizing.

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    • Thank You for Smoking (2005) 9/10

      2006-10-08 09:46
      * * * * +

      Here's a film that has the balls to take a pretty controversial topic and tell it from the "bad guys" perspective. Jason Reitman, son of Ghostbuster director Ivan, writes and directs this film to utter satirical perfection. Aaron Eckhart plays big tobacco lobbyist Nick Naylor while at the same time trying to remain a role model for his young son. Funny stuff!

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    • X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) 10/10

      2006-10-08 09:34
      * * * * *

      I have no particular love for comic book superhero movies. No disdain either. I just like well-made films and out of all the X-Men movies, The Last Stand is the best. It is rife with conflict involving a miracle "cure" for mutants. There's more character development, more action, more special effects, more everything! Chameleon director Brett Ratner takes over for Bryan Singer and outgrosses Superman (the movie Singer left the X-Men series to helm) domestically by $35 million. But I couldn't find a single flaw with this film. Great stuff!

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    • Chaos (2005) 1/10

      2006-09-27 10:05
      +

      The tagline for this movie reads "the most brutal film ever made." I don't think that's hyperbole because after watching this film, I felt quite depressed and deeply saddened. There's no story as you might find in a regular film and no character development at all. It's all plot, all the time, and what this plot contains is beyond indecent. While I despise this movie on nearly every moral and cinematic ground, I'll always defend the filmmakers' right to create such a work. For whatever that's worth.

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    • Fallen (1998) 7/10

      2006-08-28 07:11
      * * * +

      I revisited this supernatural thriller about a cop who crosses paths with a fallen angel named Azazel who's busy bringing about the fall of Babylon. Everything seems to work with this film except maybe for the ending, which was a little too cutesy for my tastes. But overall, not bad.

      0.3

    • Hooligans (2005) 7/10

      2006-08-23 07:21
      * * * +

      This movie was flawed here and there but overall, it was pretty good. Elijah Wood plays a student expelled from Harvard who travels to London to visit his sister (played by the amazingly yummy Claire Forlani). While there, he gets involved with European football hooligans. I don't know how much of this film was factual, but those fans go way beyond face-painting and wearing "we're number one" hands made of foam.

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    • Scary Movie 4 (2006) 4/10

      2006-08-23 07:08
      * *

      I didn't think this was nearly as funny as Scary Movie 3. It seemed haphazard and pasted together. Craig Bierko, from Cinderella Man and Sour Grapes, was actually pretty funny but Anna Faris seemed to be phoning it in this time. Maybe this franchise is like Star Trek: every other movie in the series is good.

      0.3

    • Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) 8/10

      2006-08-12 14:47
      * * * *

      I really liked this one. It's a mystery thriller with a unique narrative style. Robert Downey Jr. proves that he's a better actor when he's coked up and Val Kilmer's never been better. There are plenty of twists so pay attention. Very funny too!

      0.3

    • Brick (2005) 6/10

      2006-08-11 14:41
      * * *

      I liked the approach newcomer Rian Johnson created: film noir inside a high school. It worked for most of the scenes but for the few scenes where it didn't work, it really didn't work. I couldn't get it out of my mind that these were just kids as I watched the interactions between Brendan and Emily. Perhaps I'll have to watch it again but overall, it worked. Mostly.

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    • The Forgotten (2004) 9/10

      2006-08-07 14:55
      * * * * +

      I admire this movie for not having what sci-fi thrillers usually have: an idiot plot: where characters do moronic things just because the script says so. Dominic West, a british actor whose American accent is less than perfect, has the best screen moment. Watch as he remembers his daughter for the first time. It's an impressive piece of acting! Solid flick!

      0.3

    • "Sleeper Cell" (2005) 6/10

      2006-08-03 22:41
      * * *

      Halfway through Season 1 of this Showtime original series and I haven't made up my mind exactly. It's put together well and the premise is pretty solid: an undercover FBI agent has infiltrated a cell of Muslim fundamentalists in America. But I'm waiting for something to actually happen.

      0.3

    • Syriana (2005) 6/10

      2006-08-02 07:24
      * * *

      I don't think this film is meant to be understood. Rather you're supposed to get the feeling while watching it that there are big things going on in the world of politics and oil and that one cannot exist today without the other.

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    • "Lost" (2004) 10/10

      2006-08-01 20:48
      * * * * *

      I've finished watching Season 1 again and now I'm on Season 2. Again. This show is brilliantly written, beautifully shot, and well-acted. I probably won't be able to slog through Season 3 as it airs on ABC because of the commercials but that's fine with me.

      0.3

    • Wolf Creek (2005) 5/10

      2006-08-01 12:18
      * * +

      Australia's entry in horror's recent resurgence, it fails to tie in the real story (that one of the victims was a prime suspect) but succeeds at exhibiting dread. Not bad but not great.

      0.3

    • Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000... 1/10

      2006-08-01 07:41
      +

      What a fucking mess this movie is! At the core of all the problems is the obvious agenda to present a Scientology manifesto instead of a real story.

      0.3

    • Hustle & Flow (2005) 10/10

      2006-08-01 07:36
      * * * * *

      This movie really spoke to me. No, not because I'm a pimp and it's hard out here for me, rather, the struggle of recording music and the creative process is captured brilliantly. It's a really great story too.

      0.3

    • Red Dragon (2002) 8/10

      2006-06-29 07:10
      * * * *

      Red Dragon has all the creepiness of Silence of the Lamb but without the clunkiness of Hannibal. Chameleon director Brett Ratner is able to convince everyone that he can be as versatile a storyteller as Michael Crichton. I particularly enjoyed how in-depth the examination of the killer was, providing so much more emotional context. Well done!

      0.3

Archive for August, 2006

A Quick Word About Software Upgrades

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 31st, 2006

This story about Amazon posting the prices for Microsoft’s newest operating systems reminded me about an issue that I keep forgetting to talk about: the difference between the “full version” and the “upgrade version.”

A friend of mine, a novice PC builder, and I got to talking about building/maintaining computers and how that ability is not unlike building/maintaining cars. That’s not to say if you can do one, you’re able to do the other…but the aptitude is probably similar.

Anyway, he told me that he may need to purchase a new operating system and that it would run him nearly $300.

“Why is that? The upgrade version of XP Pro goes for $200.” He replied that he wanted the full version.

“Why, don’t you have a prior version of Windows?,” I asked.
“Yes, several.” he said.

“Then you’re just throwing money away, dude.

You see, the full version is only for when you DON’T own a prior version of the software. Buying the full version is like telling Microsoft, “I’m new to your whole OS thing…so here’s an extra $100. Now please put your penis in my ass. Thanks.

If you have a CD of Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000, Windows ME, or Windows XP, you don’t need to purchase the full version. Save yourself some money and buy the upgrade version.”

“But isn’t that a different version with watered-down features?” my young PC builder asked.

“No.” I replied. I then smacked him in the face with a dirty fly-swatter.

“Oww!” he said. “You fucker, that really hurt.”

“What would hurt even more is for you to flush your money down the terlet like a ja-moke.”

The headlock he had me in was causing me to get light-headed but just before I passed out, I said…

“During the installation of the new OS, the upgrade CD will ask you for proof that you own a prior license. Simply remove the Vista CD, pop in the older CD, and press whatever button they want you to press to continue. Once it confirms that you own an older version, put the Vista CD back in the drive and resume install.”

There’s a free money-saving tip from the loving staff here at cvanepps.com.

General | 1 Comment »

Even More Pathetic Is This One

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 30th, 2006

Here’s another e-mail I received in the same inbox:

Dearest Respectful one,

Am sorry for the inconveniences this might cause you while requesting for your urgent assistant in this matter. I got your contact through my deligent search for a trustworthy person to assist me to achieve a sustainable future.

I am Florence Kouadio, the only daugther of late Mr and Mrs Mohab Kouadio. My father was a wealthy cocoa manchant and Cattle Farmer before he was assassinated by unknown gun men.

I lost my mother at a tender age, my father took my responsibility special until his death. Before his death on the 30th June 2005, He disclose to me and he deposited sum of Seven million five hundred thousand US dollars (US$7,500,000.m) in a private bank here in Abidjan Cote D´Ivoire.

He further advise me that, i should look for a foreign Investor to assist me to invest this money in a good venture in abroad, unfortunately, I lost the contact during burial, since then, things weren’t the same as the money remained unclaimed hence an arrangement have been concluded according to my late father to transfer the money to any investors bank account for real estates project.

Therefore, I seized this opportunity to seek for your help to assist me in all manner of expression and claim the fund to enable me achieve my investment desire.

Moreover, I will offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for your kindness as soon as the money is transfered to your bank account on my behalf while 5% will be for any expenses you might incurred during the process of this transaction.

Please reply to me through my private email address for my security reason xxx_florence_xx@yahoo.com

Hoping to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God Bless.
Best regards
Miss Florence Kouadio

Oh this one is so much better, it’s so much more tragic! Sure, “Florence” doesn’t have quite the ring as “Hie Willy” has but on the other hand, I’ll be able to call her “Flo.”

So here goes…

Stay Tuned (next)

Humor, Personal | No Comments »

Plea from Cote d’Ivoire

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 28th, 2006

The Land of Cash

This morning, I received an e-mail from Hie Willy of Cote d’Ivoire. He’s informed me of a terrific opportunity! You see, his father recently passed away but on his death bed, his last words to his loving son was that he saved a shitload of money. My buddy Hie wants to share it with me. I’ll show the e-mail to you…

Good day Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you I am Hie Willy From Abidjan Cote d’ivoire, I wish to request for your urgent assistance in my investment plans in your base, I wish to invest in manufacturing and real estate management in your base,this is because I inheritated an important sum from my late father who died in recent political crisis in Cote d’Ivoire here.

Before the death of my father he informed me near his hospital bed at chu- teaching hospital, that he has saved the total sum of ($10.700,000) Ten Million Seven houndred thousand united states dollars only, in one of the bank here in cote d Ivoire.

This money was been deposited for my social security and for fruitful international investment. That is why I need you to keep this transaction highly confidential and trustworthy person who will assist me to receive this fund overseas for investment establishment purpose indurities and lucratives profitable ventures.

Further directives and details about the deposit and on how to move the fund successfully into your private bank account in your country will be given to you as soon as I get your response, PLEASE REPLY ME WITH THIS MY EMAIL ADDRESS (hie_willy_xx@yahoo.com)

Yours Faithfully.
Hie willy

So you see, I shall soon be quitting my job because I’M RICH, BEYOTCH!

.

I have real trouble understanding how people fall victim to this sort of thing. Even years ago, before awareness about these types of scams was so widespread, wouldn’t the promise of free money set off alarms and red flags?

I figure if they’re not smart enough to see through this scam, then they don’t deserve to keep their money. So, essentially, they’re paying to discover how dumb they are. Like one of those online I.Q. tests, only it costs you thousands of dollars. Nice!

I’m taking suggestions in the comment section on how I should respond and I’ll keep you informed about how it goes.

Personal | 7 Comments »

Star Hustler Returns

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 24th, 2006

Jack Horkheimer, entertainer to the stars

Any chance to comment on something happening in astronomy, I generally take the bait. Jack Horkeimer, pictured here, and his show, The Star Hustler, was a late night syndication staple while I attended school at Mansfield.

I remember thinking, “what a bizarre dude” but he is quite an effective communicator with his unique speaking style. Jack has presence and if you’ve ever seen a locally-produced TV commercial (like the local car dealership), you’ll know what those folks lack. He tends to draw you into whatever he’d speak about, which was always about astronomy. So, he’s a dork, yes, but he rocks as a dork.

Anyway, I’m sure the Plutonians (those living on Pluto) won’t care too much whether we Earthlings consider their home a planet or not. But if the Star Hustler says Pluto’s not really a planet, then I have to agree.

Astronomy, Television | 1 Comment »

Cruise Control

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 23rd, 2006

Hi. I'm a douche!

According to this story, Paramount is ending their 14-year production deal with Tom Cruise. Here’s a quote.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Viacom Inc. Chairman Sumner Redstone told the Wall Street Journal in an interview posted online. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

I think Cruise is a victim of his own success, much the same thing that happened to Michael Jackson. It seems that once you get a lot of success, you lose the ability to think for yourself. Tom Cruise wasn’t born into Scientology, for example, he was introduced to it by someone. Scientology is more a business than a religion and someone with a giant, sweaty wad of money who has father issues is a big target for Scientology. No wonder he’s a Level 8 Paladin, or whatever the designation is. That shit costs big money. What else does he have to spend that money on? A headstone for his father? Uhh, no.

That’s why I admire Dave Chappelle for having the balls to turn down that $50 million deal with Comedy Central. That takes serious conviction, something not many people have in the entertainment business. Dave Chappelle may have the most integrity in Hollywood and that will always make him an outcast.

I’m sure Tom Cruise will jump off the couch and land on his feet, so don’t feel too badly.

Movies, News Items | 2 Comments »

Snakes on a Blog

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 18th, 2006

We got mutha-fuckin snakes!

Tonight’s the big night for Sam Jackson’s movie Snakes on a Plane and if the internet buzz is any indicator, it should easily slither it’s way to a number one spot for this weekend. Not since The Blair Witch Project has a film tied itself to the internet so strongly. The difference is that for Snakes, the internet buzz was created by moviegoing fans instead of a movie marketing department.

Part of the appeal, as I understand it, is that fans hope the movie is “so bad, it’s good.” This unique element is helped along by the goofy title, which at one point was titled Pacific Air 121 until Sam Jackson threatened to quit in protest. I think he’s right. Snakes on a Plane is clearly more descriptive and it’s also just more…well…fun.

As much as I consider myself a big cinema snob (gravitating to films that explore the human condition and all that), I recognize the fact that escapism is a big reason people go to the movies. And in interviews I’ve seen on HBO, the filmmakers had always intended on making a “popcorn flick.” Once that crazy internet buzz started getting bigger, the film was sent back to reshoots so they could go for an R rating instead of it’s original PG-13 target. Another good move.

Me? I’m waiting for the book.

UPDATE: Snakes barely made it to the number one spot with a disappointing $15 million weekend.  Looks like all that grassroots internet support doesn’t necessarily result in ticket sales.

Movies | 3 Comments »

Big News Day

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 17th, 2006

Won't you be my neighbor?
Well first, JonBenet Ramsey’s killer was captured. John Mark Karr was apparently hiding out in Thailand. Aside from the fact that this guy looks like Mr. Rogers, I don’t really have any comments to make on this story, especially since most of us already wrote this one off as unsolved but details can be found here.

Bike-riding hayseed

The bigger story in my estimation is David Witt, the father-in-law of Floyd Landis, disgraced winner of the Tour De France, has committed suicide. It appears that Witt either believed his son-in-law was guilty and the media attention was too much for him…or he was just a depressed guy who was going to kill himself anyway. It’s fairly tragic either way but I wonder when Floyd the bicycle man will confess to his misdeed.

News Items | No Comments »

Bruno Kirby Dies

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 16th, 2006

Bruno Kirby

Wow. That sucks. He was such a versitile actor! And I really loved the fact that he didn’t do City Slickers II. I’ll bet everyone involved with that picture wish they had the foresight that Bruno had. He was really great!

Here’s the official word from Associated Press:

Kirby died Monday in Los Angeles from complications related to leukemia, his wife Lynn Sellers said in a statement Tuesday. He had been recently diagnosed with the disease.

Born Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu in 1949 in New York City, he was the son of actor Bruce Kirby. His early work included the 1971 film “Young Graduates,” as well as appearances on the television show “Room 222″ and the made-for-TV movie “The Summer Without Boys.”

In 1974, he scored a role in “The Godfather: Part II,” which won several Academy Awards, including best picture. In the film, Kirby played young “Pete Clemenza,” following Richard S. Castellano’s role in the first installment.

Over the next few years, Kirby made various TV appearances, including “Fame” and “Hill Street Blues,” before landing the role of “2nd Lt. Steven Hauk” in Robin William’s “Good Morning, Vietnam.”

That was followed two years later by the romantic comedy “When Harry Met Sally,” in which Kirby played Crystal’s best friend. In 1991, Kirby once again appeared as Crystal’s cheery friend in “City Slickers,” along for a mid-life adventure driving cattle on a dude ranch.

He also appeared in 1997’s “Donnie Brasco,” and recently in an episode of the HBO hit series “Entourage.”

Movies, News Items | 2 Comments »

Animated Gif Day

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 15th, 2006

I don’t know where this one comes from but it’s some in-car video of a guy having a car accident. Nice one.

Humor | 2 Comments »

Sick as a Jihadist Dog

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 11th, 2006

Around 1:00 pm yesterday, I started sweating, feeling dizzy and nauseous; so much so that I had to go home for the day.  I was in the men’s room, having exited the stall to wash my hands, and I started teetering a little and feeling really sick to my stomach.  I had to rush back in the stall where I knelt down on the floor and…sneezed.  I generally don’t succumb to “bugs” or germy stuff like that so I’m not sure what happened. The only thing I can think of is the help I was giving to our Recruiting Dept on Wednesday by taking an interviewee or two.  And of course, you’ve got to shake everyone’s hands in such a scenario.  So I’m betting that’s what it was.

In world news, Jihadists were foiled in a 9/11-esque plot to explode 10 or more aircraft by using liquid explosives.  If he hasn’t done it already, Bush should tie his domestic phone-tapping program directly to this “win” so he can divert some of the heat generated by this controversial program.

News Items, Personal | No Comments »

Road House a la Rifftrax

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 10th, 2006

Rifftrax

So I watched Road House together with the Rifftrax commentary download by Mike Nelson and it’s just as hilarious as Mystery Science Theater 3000. There were very few sync issues (where the movie and MP3 would go out of synchronization) and even when there was a sync issue, it was easily fixed.

It won’t be the kind of thing a casual movie watcher would ever do, as it requires dealing with the DVD remote and MP3 player at the same time but for geeks such as myself, it’s a home run. Well done, Rifftrax. Keep it going!

Humor, Movies | No Comments »

and Speaking of Swayze…

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 8th, 2006

I want to remind you that Rifftrax is still offering their download of Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Mike Nelson providing commentary for that Swayze stinkbomb known as Roadhouse.

They’ve also got a new commentary ready for downloading: The Fifth Element.

Speaking for myself, I’m waiting for the Battlefield Earth commentary or any Sylvester Stallone movie (any one will suffice).

Humor, Movies | 3 Comments »

Swayze Joins Celebs Defending Gibson

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 7th, 2006

What a douche
With this kind of gravitas, the books oughta be closed on this one! Where was Swayze when OJ needed him?

Humor, Movies, News Items | 3 Comments »

Mel Gibson Spin Doctors Generate Gravitational Field

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 4th, 2006

California Physicists were baffled today when a “needle-burying” gravitational field was generated somewhere in Hollywood, CA. While they could not identify the exact location of the field with equipment now rendered useless, they did point to an office building that was headquarters to Mel Gibson’s Public Relations firm, Rogers & Cowen.

“The applications of this new gravitational field are enormous,” exclaimed Dr. Jeremy Druthers, a particle physicist at Cal-Tech. “Theoretically, this new field could pull the moon a bit closer to the earth or it could help with splitting atoms!”

It was later determined that the gravitational field was being generated solely by Alan Nierob, a publicist working for Rogers & Cowen.

Rosario Lopez, an office maintenance worker, said that while she was emptying refuse bins for the PR firm, she saw “flashes of light” and a “whiny sound” coming from behind the doors of the office belonging to Neirob, Mel Gibson’s publicist.

Dr. Druthers was quite enthusiastic about the possibilities of exploiting such a gravitational field.

“If we could get Mr. Nierob into an office on a higher floor, say, at over 100 feet, then the gravitational field he’s generating by spinning Mr. Gibson’s story could be in direct conflict with the earth’s own field, thus making a small “weightless area” underneath his office. How cool would that be?”

Calls to Mr. Nierob’s office were not immediately returned.

Humor, News Items | 2 Comments »

Animated GIF Day

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 4th, 2006

Step aside!  Shatner’s acting his brains out!

Humor | 1 Comment »

New Look, Same Crappy Feel

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 3rd, 2006

I think I’ve found a permanent look for the ol’ Mollify Cocktail Lounge.  It’s a three column deal that’s damned purdy!

General, Personal | 1 Comment »

Mel Gibson

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 2nd, 2006

Osama Gibson

Everyone knows (or should know) that alcohol is better than a lie detector at revealing the way you really feel about something. Who among my vast readership hasn’t witnessed the drunk guy or girl at the party rant about something that they might not have ranted about while sober? We may feel slightly differently about that person the next time we see them. But it passes and the earth continues to spin.

Speaking for myself, Mel Gibson’s opinions about jewish people don’t affect me in the slightest. And really, he’s just one guy! So what if he believes the jews started all the wars in the world? His opinion doesn’t really change anything of substance. So he may be forced into an early retirement. Worse things have happened and besides, after his Passion of the Christ’s $611 million payday, he can certainly manage it.

It’s the morning after the party and we all may feel differently about Mr. Gibson. But it shall pass and the earth will continue to spin.

Movies, News Items | 2 Comments »

Negro College Fund to Honor Franklin

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on August 1st, 2006

When I saw the headline, I thought, “boy, it’s about time Charles Schultz was recognized by the Negro College Fund.”  A cartoon is a terrible thing to waste.

Where be my honorarium?

Humor, News Items | 1 Comment »