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Archive for April, 2006

Bang, Zoom, to the Moon!

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 30th, 2006

Saturday evening, during a phone call to say “hello” to my father, we started talking about what was going on in the world during our births. To my father, 61, I said, “When you were born the world was at war. When I was born, we were going to the moon.” Technically, the moon landing happened late in 1969 but when I was born in May of 1968, we were certainly hard at work getting there. The launch pad fire in January 1967 (Apollo 1) that claimed the lives of three American astronauts had prompted a lunar module redesign. There was no manned Apollo mission until October 1968 (Apollo 7). The point is that much work was being done for a manned moon landing at the time of my birth.

At this point in the phone call, my father revealed a belief I never knew he had: that the moon landing was completely faked. We spoke more about it and after I verified he was sober and not trying to merely push my buttons, he told me that his reasoning for this belief was two-fold:

1) Cosmic radiation would be too strong to allow astronauts to survive on the lunar surface

2) why have there been no unmanned lunar missions, especially since there have been so many unmanned missions elsewhere in the solar system?

I was flabbergasted at this revalation that my father was a believer in the Lunar Landing Hoax theory! I really wanted to learn more about this belief of his but I felt compelled to quash these two easily-quashable claims. After making attempts to prove that he was wrong, he made some personal attacks and engaged in some name calling so I hung up on him. I’m not interested in taking that shit from anyone, which is one of the many things he taught me and that should please irony addicts. I’ll be the first to admit that my voice can get a bit strident when faced with such craziness, especially from such a close relative. But you’ll have to believe me when I say this was not the case. Besides the shock at discovering such a weird fact about my father, I was calm. So I felt the personal attack/name calling was out of order.

I’m sure my dear father has reasons in addition to the above for believing the way he does. There are so many Lunar Landing Hoax websites out there that contain “proof” the landings never occured such as 1) photographic anomalies in the shadows on the lunar surface cast by the astronauts, 2) light-source contradictions in numerous photos, 3) the fact that stars can’t be seen in photos taken on the moon, and on and on and on.

I’m not going to refute these silly claims. There is at least one science-based website to refute these claims for every pseudo-science website that makes them. I’d suggest using Google to find them. They are as pervasive as cosmic radiation in space, which brings me to refuting the specific reasoning used by my father. First, I should mention that my father is a retired high school teacher. What did he teach? Earth Science. Figures. Can you appreciate the shock, then?

Here’s the rebuttal my father never heard.

1) Cosmic radiation effect is actually proof we were there. At least 39 astronauts, including the surviving Apollo astronauts, suffer from cataracts caused by cosmic radiation (source). A larger article on the subject can be found here.

2) There have been dozens of unmanned spacecraft sent to the moon before and after the Apollo missions (source 1. source 2).

Yes, I concede these websites are authored by people; people that may or may not have personal agendas. I also concede that point of view is the determining factor in which websites you lend credence to. If you believe the lunar landing never happened, then you’ll believe the hoax websites. If you believe the lunar landing did occur, then you’ll give credence to supportive websites. To my father, whom I love, I’d suggest that he read as much as he can find on this subject. Aside from what I’ve already written above, I shall not try to convince him further. Too many people far more qualified to do so are published in myriad books and magazines.

I suppose it’s similar to faith and religion. You tend to believe what you believe.

Can Vampires Get AIDS?

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 26th, 2006

You know, by sucking the wrong blood?

What about this? What happens when people with “accelerated decrepitude” become zombies? That’s kinda like moving forward (their condition) and then suddenly moving back (becoming the living dead). Are they cured at that point?

Yep, I’m a thinker.

Last Night’s Sopranos…WOW

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 24th, 2006

I loved it. Best episode in a long while. Where else could you see Laren Bacall get punched in the face?

The White House Shuffle: the Search for Thicker Skin

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 19th, 2006

I find the current personnel shift at the White House especially hilarious as described in this New York Times story, particularly the departure of the second press secretary. I’m no political know-it-all or anything but with such a gigantic moron as George W. as our president, I’d figure the press secretary is a position that requires some chutzpah (as the jews say). First, we had Ari Flescher then Scott McClellan. Who’s next? Hulk Hogan? That, I’d love to see.

“Who’s got questions for the Hulkster??”

Ween at the Disco Rodeo

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 14th, 2006

Ween

Ween played here in Raleigh on Wednesday and while the performance was really great (as it always is) the sound was pretty bad. The acoustics at the ol’ Disco Rodeo aren’t exactly up to snuff but there’s ways to deal with that; sound design measures they didn’t take. Plus, they didn’t open the doors until AFTER they started playing. Or maybe they began their show the instant the first fan entered the door. I thought for sure it was a recording they were playing inside but who plays a recording of the same band during the walk-in? That’s like wearing a Ween t-shirt at a Ween concert: it’s just not done. Anyway, we’re at the end of a line of about two thousand people in the street, and the boys are inside playing Baby Bitch. What the hell is that about? Were they in a rush or something?

One funny moment was the keyboard solo during Pandy Fackler: the guy was really off on a tangent and Deaner looked at him laughing, and said (non-verbally) “what the fuck are you doing?” But overall, it was a fine time. Ween never really disappoint in live shows.

By the way, the above picture is a still from the Live in Chicago DVD.

WeenLong live the boognish!

Sarcastic Thumb: the Other Finger

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 12th, 2006

This morning, while making my requisite left (with a green arrow) onto Route 1 North, a driver opposite me, also turning onto Route 1 North, ignored her red light and turned right, thus blocking all of us with the green arrow.

Southern drivers are, for the most part, ball-less. So all the ones cut off in front of me were more than willing to give this woman a golden pass. Not me. But instead of getting all angry and throwing fingers around, I opted for the sarcastic “thumbs up” pose.

This is exactly as it sounds. You sidle up to your target, plaster a big goofy smile on your face, and give the driver a big thumbs-up! It’s actually more effective that the middle finger because sarcasm, by it’s very nature, is more sophisticated than anger. It’s more cerebral. Fighting stupidity with brains is far more satisfying that fighting it with base emotions.

It can also work in situations where the middle finger would be overkill, too. For instance, use it in the grocery store when the cashier gives you the wrong change. Use it at the ATM machine when people take too damn long to get their cash. It’s benign appearance makes it far more useful than the finger ever could hope to be.

Give it a try!

An Open Plea to E-mail Senders…

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 11th, 2006

No, this entry isn’t a pilfered photo. Instead it’s a sincere plea to my family and friends: the only e-mails I open.

Here’s the deal. Please don’t bother sending chain-letter-type e-mails to me because I’m not interested. Trust me, it’s nothing personal. I just couldn’t give a shit about participating in that crap.

For instance, a while back, I got the one about members of congress receiving benefits that *gasp* didn’t cost them anything! Yes, it’s called a pension. Shocking!

I received another one that told about an idea from the CEO of Coca-Cola (right) about not buying Exxon or Mobil brand gasoline to force them to lower their prices; that the BUYER controls the gasoline prices, not the SELLER. Uhh, yeah OK. What business school did that guy go to? And if I sent the e-mail to 30 people, we could get the word out.

I truly appreciate being thought of, really. Thank you. But do me a bigger favor by excluding me from your distribution. Feel free to send me greetings, descriptions of what you’re up to, perhaps a technical difficulty you’re having with your computer, whatever personal content you might like to convey. I’ll gladly read and enjoy those. I’d even respond to them.

Or you could just make a comment to a blog entry.

Artsy-Fartsy Pic

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 10th, 2006

I always hated radishes.

Artsy-Fartsy

One More Thing, Class…BOOM!

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 7th, 2006

According to this story, a teacher in Ventura, CA did his best to win a Darwin Award. He attempted to kill a bug during class with a 40mm shell that he kept on his desk as a paperweight. The shell exploded, severing part of his right hand.

As the paramedics were wheeling the teacher out of the room, the geeky kid of the class stood up and asked, “Does this mean there’s no homework?”

“I Shall Resign the Presidency…”

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 6th, 2006

Those immortal words spoken by Richard Nixon in 1974 may be uttered (hope hope) by our current jack-off president. That is, if the Democrats can follow through on this new revelation: that Bush himself authorized the Valerie Plame leak. Bush has stated several times that he would punish those responsible for leaks.

Maybe it’s the pessimist in me but I can’t help but think Bush will emerge unscathed. I wish the Democrats had bigger balls. And the Republicans had smaller ones.

Artsy-Fartsy Pic

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 6th, 2006

As Bill Cosby would say, “There’s always room for Jello, y’see?”

Artsy-Fartsy

This Old E-Mail vol 7

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 3rd, 2006

This series of posts are workplace e-mails sent to me from 1998, back when e-mail was a relatively novel thing. Because of this, the jokes came by the truckload. Undoubtedly, your humor intake will vary.

Amusing Facts

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

* The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.

* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

* It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

* You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

* Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

* Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

* Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

* In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

* A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

* Polar bears are left handed.

* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

* A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

* Butterflies taste with their feet.

* Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

* A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

* An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

* Starfishes haven’t got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is….Lucky Pig