I think this one is purdy.

I think this one is purdy.

This New York Times story says that the Bush Administration does not want the Iraqi prime minister to remain the country’s leader in the next government. The Iraqi ambassador, Zalmay Khalilzad, said Mr. Bush “doesn’t want, doesn’t support, doesn’t accept” Ibrahim al-Jaafari as the next prime minister, according to Mr. Taki, a senior aide to Abdul-Aziz al-Hakim, the head of the Shiite bloc.
The Shiite bloc, which won a plurality in the parliamentary election in December, nominated Mr. Jaafari last month to retain his post for four more years.
Hey, Bush wanted a democracy in Iraq, so now he’s got one. So at the very least, George W. Bush can now empathize with all the thinking Americans who voted for Kerry in 2004.
This series of posts are workplace e-mails sent to me from 1998, back when e-mail was a relatively novel thing. Because of this, the jokes came by the truckload. Undoubtedly, your humor intake will vary.
Top ten ways to be “the funny guy” in your office
10. Ask to borrow someone’s pen, bring it to the bathroom, stick it in your butt, then return it and tell the person to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad, be like, “It should! I had it in my butt!”
9. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.
8. Answer every question asked to you with “fuck if I know!” then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.
7. Always walk around with a big smile. Keep one hand down the front of your pants.
6. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell, “It won’t stop! God help me! It won’t stop!!” Then when it stops, look down and say….”Oh.”
5. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them its the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up, and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
4. Before a meeting fill your mouth with custard then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you’re hocking up a big loogie. Then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “Beat that!”
3. Inform a male coworker that he “wouldn’t make a good hooker,” then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good “ass fucking.”
2. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, and then punch them in the mouth
1. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you’re just kidding. Tell everyone that they’re just a bunch of retards.
We’re trading a sledgehammer for a bullet, baby!


High school friend Skeet Besley is on his way to an interview in beautiful Selma, NC after staying the night at Chez-V. We loaded him up with coffee, shoved him out the door, and he’s set to impress with his GQ outfit. It’s great to see him again and he looks exactly the same as he did in the old southside days: I don’t know what he’s talking about with the “beer gut” comment. Meanwhile, I’ve got a beer gut large enough for our entire graduating class.


Episode 1 (13.5 minutes, 140MB, DIVX required)
In this initial installment, my sister and I take the computer chip thing to the thing, we reset the engine pod things, and then we go up to the level with all the thingys.
Regarding yesterday’s second episode and their buddhist body swap thing…
I like my ideas better.
That is all. Go about your day.
This series of posts are workplace e-mails sent to me from 1998, back when e-mail was a relatively novel thing. Because of this, the jokes came by the truckload. Undoubtedly, your humor intake will vary.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says “Single are you?”
The woman replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”
He replies “because you’re fucking ugly”
Related to my eariler post about the direction of the sixth season of the Sopranos, perhaps the remaining 11 episodes will be the flashback. Then in January, the remaining 8 episodes will pick up where the season six opener left off. That way, Tony will get the chance to convalesce while his captains fight over his position. If I’m right about any of this, I shall pollute this blog with my gloating. You have been warned.
After many false starts, it was a successful online gaming session of Far Cry with Baby Face Finster and MVM last night. Despite the punkbuster anti-cheating measures, I remember many times shooting this dickwad named Zephyr and then he’d suddenly disappear and reappear behind me. Bunch of teenage douches! I’m way too old for that shit. I get too frustrated.
What’s for tea?

Harrison Ford, the 63 year old prior box office behemoth, says he’s very eager to get started on the fourth Indiana Jones film, to be helmed by Steven Spielberg. I’m quite sure he’s chomping at the bit! If you look at the box office take of his recent flicks, he hasn’t had a real hit in almost 6 years.
2006 – Firewall – ($45.5 mil since Feb 20, unknown budget & marketing cost)
2003 – Hollywood Homicide – ($30.9 mil domestic take, $105 mil for budget & marketing…Ooof!)
2002 – K-19: The Widowmaker – ($35 mil domestic take, $135 mil for budget & marketing…Yikes!)
2000 – What Lies Beneath – ($155 mil domestic take, $130 mil for budget & marketing)
This data comes from Box Office Mojo.
After watching the season six opening episode two more times and taking note of certain things, I’ve come up with a possible explanation.
What Chase has shown us last Sunday was the last episode of the Sopranos. This coming Sunday’s episode will pick up where season five left off in a multiple-episode flashback. How cool would that be? Consider the following:
Tony never picks up his newspaper during the episode. There’s been a scene featuring Tony getting his newspaper at some point during the first episode of all new seasons. Except this one.
Tony dies (or at least gets shot) at the hand of Uncle Jun, who tried to whack him in season one. Junior was going on about the $40,000 belonging to Pussy Malenga (which is the guy he wanted to whack at Artie’s old restaurant), also in season one.
There was another cyclical conversation between Tony and Dr. Melfi. She brought up the fact that Tony’s mother and Uncle Junior colluded to kill him.
This may be a bit of a stretch but Uncle Junior may have been faking his dementia. Remember the scene from season one when Micky, Junior’s ex-consiglieri, meets with Junior to give instructions to the dude in the Trans-am? Junior is so upset at the thought of killing Tony, that he opens the door of the parked car, sticks his head out and vomits. In the season six opener, Barbara, Tony’s sister, tells Tony that Junior is throwing up and we can see him doing it in the background. Perhaps he’s been faking his dementia and he’s been “hired” by all the people who have been shafted by Tony over the years (Silvio, Vito, Christopher, Bobby, Janice, et al). Consider the time Junior receives lessons from Janice and Bobby on how to fake like you’ve got dementia in order to skip a grand jury indictment.
While the vast changes we see could be an attempt to cover the 20 month void between seasons (Janice’s baby, Christopher as a Captain, Vito’s dramatic weight loss, Agent Harris being transferred to terrorism, Johnny Sac being in prison, Tony getting a new boat, etc) consider how much material would be lost if the genesis of these developments gets passed over.
I remember seeing a preview a few weeks ago where Tony smiles proudly, holding up a newborn baby. It seems to me that this baby is Tony’s new neice, belonging to Janice. The baby in the season six opener is not a newborn, in fact, she looks to be about 12-14 months old. Since we haven’t seen this new scene yet, how could they go back in time?
Another big piece of evidence: there was no preview after the season six opener. Why not? Because we’d be able to figure out the flashback.
It may be a bit off the wall, but it would be really cool if they had the balls to pull this on us.

This story tells of the accidental death of Pete Tomarken, host of the game show Press Your Luck. While at Mansfield, my roommate Gary Shaw and I would make it our mission to watch this show whenever it was on. That was the one where the contestants would spin the little square wheel, reciting the chant, “Big bucks, big bucks, NO WHAMMIES!”
The thing we loved about it were the little animated troll-like creatures that appeared at the bottom of the screen and take all the money away. Many of those animations were truly surreal and hilarious! It was an entertaining show and Pete Tomarken was a good host. I hear he’ll be buried in a suit by Botanny 500.
Help Desk Hammer Time


John Lydon of the Sex Pistols (and later, more appreciated by me, Public Image Limited) seems to be desperately searching for something to be pissed about. No one’s a bigger fan of John than I am, but this recent episode with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame seems to be invoking a misplaced sense of rebellion. As sad a fact as it is for me to face, his time is over. I don’t hold the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame to any particular importance or significance but his disdain and defiance is without context; it has no clear target.
Basically, he’s saying the R&RHoF didn’t exist before the Sex Pistols so their position as a purveyor of accolades is unjust. Well, shit John. Should they have constructed the Hall of Fame the day after Chuck Berry’s performance of Johnny B. Goode? Or Bo Diddley’s I’m a Man? Christ, man!
Of course, we know what’s really going on. John Lydon is making waves because he can. It’s all good for the R&RHoF too, as any press is good press. I still love ya, John, even though you’re a nut.
This series of posts are workplace e-mails sent to me from 1998, back when e-mail was a relatively novel thing. Because of this, the jokes came by the truckload. Undoubtedly, your humor intake will vary.
I ran across this quiz written by Einstein. He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve this quiz.
Facts:
1) There are 5 houses in 5 different colors.
2) In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
3) These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
4) No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.
Hints:
1) The Brit lives in a red house.
2) The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3) The Dane drinks tea.
4) The green house is on the left of the white house.
5) The green house owner drinks coffee.
6) The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7) The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk.
9) The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10) The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11) The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12) The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13) The German smokes Prince.
14) The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15) The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.
Question: Who keeps the fish?