Now that Shawn of the Dead showed us that zombie movies could be funny, we've got another good one. In fact, it seems you can't go wrong with the zombie-comedy, which I'll go ahead and tag "Zomedy"...rent "Fido" for another great groundbreaking genre-buster. There's nothing new here in terms of character-arcs, which are kind of boxed-in when you're dealing with zombie flicks: the only family you have is the survivors you're with. Well, very good. Gold star. No, where Zombieland shines is the visual storytelling style (think Fight Club apartment catalog scene) and the chemistry/humor between the main characters. Also, watch for a truly unexpected (and inspired) cameo. Solid flick.
0.3
Here's another tired entry into the Blair Witch Project School of Movie Making. The only difference is that that movie was genuinely scary. Paranormal Activity was aptly named because it was paranormal cinema: the pacing was far too slow and the characters were super annoying. The visual effects are used minimally but I think that's a good thing. I just wish there were more scares here. I admire the filmmakers' fortitude but so much more could have been done to heighten the terror.
0.3
Tarantino does his thing once again, quite effectively at that. By creating an alternate version of WWII (where every single German soldier is a Nazi and Hitler is shot to death in a theater), he is free to explore plot lines and characterizations without having to check any history books. Purists will hate it for this reason, of course, but since when do we require their approval? The way Tarantino constructs his scenes as preludes to violence reminds me of a child diligently making a house of cards. But instead of doing it the way we all did as kids, Tarantino uses about three-dozen decks of playing cards. He's got to fight the childish urge to become bored with the procedure, taking several days, ladders, scaffolds, and brow-mopping, the structure eventually reaching to the ceiling; then suddenly, nonchalantly, knocking it down during a lunch break. Hitchcock was a master of suspense because he adhered to the "bomb theory" which states that the audience is given more information--the ticking bomb--than the characters are given to create suspense, thereby involving the audience. Hitchcock explains this effect simply when he says, "There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it." Well, that's all fine and good, but what else does a bomb do but explode? Tarantino understands the limited value in anticipation of a situation that has only one outcome (the bomb). Instead, he weaves characterization, story-arc, plot and ultimately humor, together with an everyday situation to create his suspense. There is nothing as obvious as a bomb to explode in Tarantino's scenes but because we've been given just enough information about the characters and the story, we know *something's* about to happen, so it's far more subtle. I think Mr. Hitchcock would have liked Mr. Tarantino quite a lot.
0.3Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
2009-04-01 09:34
Another lame attempt at comedy from the mind of Kevin Smith. It starts out very promising: two friends stumble upon fame with a viral video and they decide to springboard into the porn biz. But, in pure Kevin Smith fashion, the story has to wade through insincere sentimentality and clumsy pathos. I had to stop watching it early. Note to Kevin Smith: please stop making comedies. Make the movies you clearly want to make: ponderous drama.
0.3
Funny flick. I'm very much enjoying the recent wave of comedies starting with Old School in 2003.
0.3
George W. gets a pretty fair shake from Oliver Stone here. Especially good are all the supporting roles: Thandie Newton is indistinguishable from the real Condi Rice, Richard Dreyfus does an amazing Dick Cheney, and Jeffrey Wright's portrayal of Colin Powell is very memorable.
0.3
Given his one-take-is-good-enough directorial style, Clint Eastwood's movies are approaching the point of lameocity. Watch this flick and see if you can suspend your disbelief.
0.3
What spell does M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong have over the studio execs?
0.3
I never understood why so many people disliked 2003's "Hulk" with Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly (who is far far sexier than Liv Tyler, the Betty Ross of this flick) and I also preferred Sam Elliott as General Ross over William Hurt, who was miscast, I think. But what do I know? The five-year-old version was far more of an introspective look at Hulk than this one and what is so terrible about introspection? Ed Norton is also miscast a little bit but Tim Roth was excellent. So I'm perplexed at this "reboot." It wasn't bad but I liked the other one.
0.3
Great effects, good story, and it's got Robert Downey Jr. and Jeff Bridges. I liked it a lot.
0.3"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"...
2008-04-21 01:23
I've been watching some TV shows on Hulu.com, which is NBC Universal's answer to YouTube and iTunes. On it, you can watch several dozen different TV programs for free, but you've got to suffer through a few commercial breaks. So it's basically TV via the internet. I had discovered a way to deal with their commercial breaks so that I'd skip them completely but now they're starting to put logos in the lower-right corner: for "Ragu" and the like. So my time with Hulu may be over but not before I sound off on Aaron Sorkin's failed TV show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It's a reflexive take on a sketch-based, late night TV show featuring Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford as the new producers that've come to save the sagging show, the operative word here being 'sagging.' Sorkin sure doesn't mind taking himself seriously, does he? With The West Wing, Sorkin's tendency to get heavy-handed and portentous was forgivable because it was subject-matter appropriate. But with a show about the inner-workings of an SNL clone, it just feels like bad TV. All 22 episodes are available on Hulu but I had to stop mid-way through the season, it was that bad.
0.3
George Clooney's weird delivery normally bothers me. He's got this "who me" style of acting that strikes me as kind of slimy. He's got the same thing going on in Michael Clayton but because the story so perfectly crystallizes what's wrong with corporate America, that even all the weird acting delivery styles amount to little more than half a hill of beans. Michael Clayton is a study of human nature left alone to do it's thing: greed trumps common sense and power trumps the question of right and wrong. Clooney plays a corporate "fixer," the guy you call when you find yourself chest-high in shit. When a fellow attorney, played by Tom Wilkinson, working on a high-profile class-action lawsuit strips naked during a deposition and chases the plaintiffs through the parking lot, who ya gonna call? Clayton discovers that his colleague didn't suffer a breakdown but an awakening. The film is put together brilliantly.
0.3
This documentary does a superb job in disseminating precisely what went wrong with the Iraq invasion and who was responsible. It doesn't get involved with debating the "why did we invade Iraq" question too much, rather it itemizes specific mistakes made by men with too little experience and too much bravado. Ultimately, these mistakes piled up to the fiasco we have today. See it.
0.3
I've been watching season one of 30 Rock via Netflix's Instant Viewing feature. It's really funny in a typical sitcom fashion but the episode that made me post this was "Black Tie" where Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens plays the Austrian Prince Gerhardt. That entire sequence threw me into such a laughing fit that I very nearly approached death. So if you watch only one episode of this sitcom, make sure it's Black Tie.
0.3
When it comes to creating a fictional world in which we can sense something out of place yet immediately feel at home, Quentin Tarantino is the undisputed king. Consider the thieving world of Reservoir Dogs, the haphazard gangster world of Pulp Fiction, the assassin-for-hire world of Kill Bill. He does it here again with Death Proof, which is both an homage to the wave of muscle car movies of the 60's & 70's as well as a signature Tarantino movie: where characterization remain at the forefront. This is why films made by goofball filmmakers like...say...Kevin Smith...will always seem childish in comparison, and also why they likely will not stand the test of time. Why am I attacking Kevin Smith in a Death Proof sidebar review? Ohhh, no particular reason, just to emphasize the fact that Tarantino exists on a totally different plane from his contemporaries who also rose to prominence in the early 90's, like Smith, and is so clearly a powerhouse filmmaker whose work eclipses a hack such as Smith with such deft confidence that it borders on criminality. Yep, that's why. Anyway, I enjoyed Death Proof a great deal. See it. By the way, I plagiarized much of this review from Kevin Smith's mother.
0.3
The way documentary filmmaker Michael Moore got to be the King of Polemics is that he wasn't above making the odd distortion here or there in order to make his point. I've been very critical of his Oscar-winning film, Bowling for Columbine, because of the obvious way in which he manipulated the facts. I'm thinking primarily of the way BFC was edited. Now, I'm no NRA nut by any means, but that film just annoyed me because I could see the manipulation right in front of me. His new film, Sicko, on the other hand, strikes me as more than fair. I watch quite a few documentaries as part of my film entertainment and Moore's docs are obviously different than the others because of his willingness to inject so much personal opinion into his narrative thread. Other documentaries take more of a journalistic approach and I enjoy those docs too. But I believe Moore wants the world, and in particular, America, to be a better place. What better way to accomplish this than to point out some shortcomings? Many die-hard Republicans believe that pointing out America's shortcomings is tantamount to treason. It's likely that none of those die-hard Republicans have ever been refused health care the same way as many of the subjects in Moore's film. And that's a shame because it seems the only way the American health care system can improve is if the wealthy and the powerful can know what it's like to be denied that benefit. It's baffling to see so many people be so critical of his position. Do they really think the health care system in this country is OK the way it is? I recently had to pay cash out of my pocket for two trips to urgent care because my employer-provided health coverage did not cover it. I hope this film does well and that Moore's word gets out there.
0.3"The Sarah Silverman Program."...
2007-06-12 11:57
Sarah Silverman is getting a lot of airtime in my house lately, but her brand of humor is directly up my alley, and I rarely fight such a thing. This show is her stand-up act incarnate in much the same way that "Seinfeld" was Jerry's stand-up act, only much more mean-spirited, which I love. All the cast has something to do here, and they each contribute to the comedy. In particular, I like Brian Posehn and Steve Agee as the wacky neighbors. Also, my Mr. Show favorite Jay Johnston is on hand as the straight man to all the remaining goofiness. But the star here is Sarah, and she puts it out there like no other. The scene in the 6th episode, "Batteries" where a driver with the same car as Sarah pulls up next to her to celebrate the similarity, and what Sarah shoots him down with took me by complete surprise and it also took me a good while afterward to catch my breath, I was laughing so hard. So if you hate people like I do, this is the show for you.
0.3Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005)
2007-06-06 18:48
When Sarah Silverman went into her bit about how sexy Jewish women could be, I fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. Stand-up comedy, funny songs, and she's a way-rockin hottie to boot. That gets you 5 stars, m'dear.
0.3
This Michael Mann television show from 1986 was in the shadow if his other shining star, Miami Vice, but it is superior is just about every way. The first season comes about as close to perfection as you could hope for: the conflict between Lt. Mike Torello (Dennis Farina) and Ray Luca (Anthony Denison), the set design depicting 1963 Chicago, the music is first rate, and who could forget the hilarious comic relief provided by Pauli Taglia (John Santucci). Even the guest stars are fantastic: Ving Rhames, Pam Grier, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Michael Madsen, the list goes on and on. This show is just as good as anything on TV today. Rent the box set and you won't be disappointed. [Important Edit: you may, however, be disappointed in the final episode of season 1, as it seems like they just got tired of writing and wanted to go home...but still, it's a rock-solid show]
0.3
Finally, a Bond picture about James Bond. This flick sheds the stylistic trappings of all the other 007 pictures and presents a film that could have passed as independent art-house fare. Make no mistake, there are still huge action sequences. The opening chase scene, for instance, is amazing. But Casino Royale is about who James Bond really is, not the James Bond we've all known since Dr. No in 1962. It's worth a look.
0.3
I first saw this on HBO a few months ago and I thought it was utterly ridiculous. HBO is showing it again and on second viewing, it's still utterly ridiculous but I can see some brilliant ideas in it. Based on a Ray Bradbury story, "A Sound of Thunder" tells the tale of time travellers who inadvertently change the past which in turn alters their present. Tragically, the film's budget cannot allow those ideas to be properly expressed. For instance, the scene where Edward Burns and Catherine McCormack have a conversation in a CGI-generated street, with golly-gee-wiz futuristic cars speeding by. Or how about the plastic-looking T-Rex that menaces our heroes? Or the pre-historic eel sequence (this is one of the most unintentionally funny sequences I've ever seen). Such corner-cutting makes it impossible to suspend your disbelief. The producers should all be sent to CGI jail. If you can ignore the goofy images, however, what you'll find is a pretty complex storyline. It's one of the worst-looking good movies I've seen.
0.3
Here's another must-rent, kids. Grilled is Pulp Fiction meets Glengarry Glen Ross. It's unpredictable, funny, dramatic, and best of all not cliched. It's everything independent cinema excels at. I didn't think Ray Romano could make a good film after Welcome to Mooseport but he's simply perfect here. The plot will have you guessing and the story is solid. It's not a laugh-out-loud comedy but I don't think that's what they were going for. Kevin James (of King of Queens) is also great, although he's already proven himself in Hitch. I guess the best thing I liked about Grilled is that it avoided being just another vehicle for established television stars. It could have been easy for them to screw this one up by writing these characters as TV actors on the big screen. But these are real movie characters: fleshed out and whole. Great movie!
0.3
My dog Jake got a lot more out of this movie than I did. There are plenty of dog snarls and growls that, if sent through a properly amplified surround sound system, will frighten the bejesus out of any pooch. Other than the value scaring your dog brings you, there's not much else here. I think Donald Sutherland and Sissie Spacek had an I'll-do-it-if-you-will pact between them. I gave it 1 star but Jake insisted on giving it 3, so we averaged it out. Woof.
0.3
The story behind this film is pretty remarkable but I'm very much a latecomer in understanding it. In 2002, the Fox Network aired a little-seen sci-fi television series called Firefly. I never watched it back then, and to be sure, I wasn't alone. Creator Joss Whedon, whose credits include the critically acclaimed TV shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel," got a green light to produce 13 episodes but because it got such poor ratings, Fox yanked it from the roster after airing only ten. Not to be stripped of yet another quality television show, the series' rabid and very vocal fanbase started a grass roots effort (the likes of which put Trekkies to shame) to save the show. Several million Firefly DVD box sets later, Universal Pictures green-lighted a major motion picture. This is something that has never ever happened before: a movie was made based on a TV show with a downright disasterous rating. It only happened because of the "Browncoats," which is the fanbase's preferred nomenclature. As a film, it's not perfect. It moves just a bit too quickly to be understood at first viewing but as a continuation of the wonderful TV show, it's shiny. There's a line in the series' pilot episode, spoken by Nathan Fillion's character, Malcolm Reynolds: "We've done the impossible and that makes us mighty." So, too, have the fans. I reccomend that everyone watch the TV show on DVD and then watch this film. It's quite a tale, indeed.
0.3
I'm so thankful that I didn't know very many details about this film before I watched it. Directed by Neil Marshall of "Dog Soldiers" fame, it's documentary quality makes it seem like it's merely going to be a story of six adventurous women who get trapped in a huge cave complex in the Appalachian mountains. As these women begin their descent, I specifically remember thinking "it would be great if it's just them in the cave, trapped with each other, trying to find a way out, like Cube, but underground. If this thing turns into a monster movie, I'm going to be a little disappointed." I was very wrong. Not only about the plot but about how great it could be WITH the monsters. If you've never been in a cave deep underground like I have (Carlsbad Caverns, NM) then you may not have the same reaction but man oh man, this movie really freaked me out. This inventive film completely bucks the formulaic trappings of a typical horror film and that's a difficult thing to do. The ending is the thing that truly elevates this film from entertainment to art. Rent it. Shut off the lights. Watch it. Have a roll of TP handly because you might just shit your pants.
0.3
Upon learning that Fred Durst, lead caterwaller for the aptly named Limp Bisquick, had a very prominent role in this film, I was all prepared to hate it thoroughly. But as the film went on, I really got into it. This is a very well-made and effective horror film but with a minimum amount of blood. Not that blood's a problem per se, but there's accolades to be handed out for making a solid horror film without resorting to gore. Starring Jeremy Sisto and directed by television producer/director Michelle Maxwell MacLaren, the film is about a census taker who comes to Rockwell Falls to investigate why they've had the same population for 100 years. This film makes use of the old "slow reveal" device to make it's secrets known, like Amnityville Horror or The Omen before it. The difference is that we already knew the house in Amnityville Horror was haunted. We already knew Damien was the Antichrist. In Population 436, we might THINK we know what's going on in the beginning: the arrival or birth of one person in Rockwell Falls means the death of someone else. But there's a lot more going on here and how it all works in the end is not without it's surprises. Jeremy Sisto, whose debut performance I made special mention of when I reviewed Grand Canyon for my college newspaper in 1991, continues to be a major presence while on the screen. This film is most certainly deserving of a rental.
0.3
Yikes! What a miscalculation! Bryan Singer directs a much darker version of the man of steel by filling the docket with one ill-concieved scene after another. Every single major role was miscast: Brandon Routh as Superman, Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, and the biggest casting mistake since Jack Black in King Kong: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. Even Jimmy Olsen and Perry White were all wrong (Sam Huntington and Frank Langella, respectively). Man, I'm not exactly sure what Singer was going for here but it really doesn't work. All the joy and ebullience found in the first two Superman films with Christopher Reeve has been completely extracted, leaving an empty, mean-spirited tale replete with terrible performances by everyone listed above. The only thing going for this cinematic suppository is the spectacle of Superman's deeds: he can finally do some really super things. Except act. Want an example? Fine: I saw no fundamental difference between Clark Kent and Superman. They were both dweeby little douches. Brandon Routh lacks the emotional range to make it clear that these two people are different, something Christopher Reeve seemed to do effortlessly. One thing this movie did very well was it made you appreciate Reeve's performance in the originals. He truly was the man of steel. Here's another example: every time Kate Bosworth is on the screen. That's it, that's my example. She is so wrong for Lois Lane that I question the producer's desire to make a winning film. Margot Kidder effectively defined Lois Lane as an energetic, slightly scatter-brained dynamo. I can't say if she was that way in the comic book (because since I turned twelve, I no longer require pictures with stories) but the effect Bosworth has on the movie is like a plague. She's a sucker of scene-energy. It was almost painful to watch. Here's a funny thing. The label printed on the Netflix DVD envelope reads "Superman Returns: The Movie" I believe I shall do the same.
0.3
Because I'm a big fan of the "religious horror" genre, I very nearly endured a theater experience in order to watch this when it was released. While I'm glad I didn't, because the original 1976 flick with Gregory Peck was a little better, this remake with Liev Schreiber wasn't without it's merits. The new scenes, which consisted of dream sequences by the mother, played by Julia Stiles, were quite good and creepy. Regarding the myriad remakes of late, I'd much rather watch a shot-for-shot, faithful to the original remake with some new ideas than sit through some auteur-in-training's idea of a retelling. There are exceptions, of course, like Batman Begins, which was excellent. But director John Moore clearly likes the original film and uses it as a blueprint. So basically, the remake was good because it follows the original, which was great. If you're like me, it's worth a rental.
0.3Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (2004)
2006-10-08 09:53
This documentary by Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky (the pair behind some of the very best documentaries ever made) gives us an all-access pass to Metallica, argueably the biggest hard rock band today as evidenced by selling over 90 million records worldwide. What I found enjoyable about this film was the way it revealed how human these guys are. It shows the struggle the band went through to make their comeback record, St. Anger, and it reveals how they hired a therapist to help them with their issues, how they fight with each other, and how they hired a replacement bassist for a tour. I don't really like Metallica's music very much but this doc was mesmerizing.
0.3
Here's a film that has the balls to take a pretty controversial topic and tell it from the "bad guys" perspective. Jason Reitman, son of Ghostbuster director Ivan, writes and directs this film to utter satirical perfection. Aaron Eckhart plays big tobacco lobbyist Nick Naylor while at the same time trying to remain a role model for his young son. Funny stuff!
0.3
I have no particular love for comic book superhero movies. No disdain either. I just like well-made films and out of all the X-Men movies, The Last Stand is the best. It is rife with conflict involving a miracle "cure" for mutants. There's more character development, more action, more special effects, more everything! Chameleon director Brett Ratner takes over for Bryan Singer and outgrosses Superman (the movie Singer left the X-Men series to helm) domestically by $35 million. But I couldn't find a single flaw with this film. Great stuff!
0.3
The tagline for this movie reads "the most brutal film ever made." I don't think that's hyperbole because after watching this film, I felt quite depressed and deeply saddened. There's no story as you might find in a regular film and no character development at all. It's all plot, all the time, and what this plot contains is beyond indecent. While I despise this movie on nearly every moral and cinematic ground, I'll always defend the filmmakers' right to create such a work. For whatever that's worth.
0.3
I revisited this supernatural thriller about a cop who crosses paths with a fallen angel named Azazel who's busy bringing about the fall of Babylon. Everything seems to work with this film except maybe for the ending, which was a little too cutesy for my tastes. But overall, not bad.
0.3
This movie was flawed here and there but overall, it was pretty good. Elijah Wood plays a student expelled from Harvard who travels to London to visit his sister (played by the amazingly yummy Claire Forlani). While there, he gets involved with European football hooligans. I don't know how much of this film was factual, but those fans go way beyond face-painting and wearing "we're number one" hands made of foam.
0.3
I didn't think this was nearly as funny as Scary Movie 3. It seemed haphazard and pasted together. Craig Bierko, from Cinderella Man and Sour Grapes, was actually pretty funny but Anna Faris seemed to be phoning it in this time. Maybe this franchise is like Star Trek: every other movie in the series is good.
0.3
I really liked this one. It's a mystery thriller with a unique narrative style. Robert Downey Jr. proves that he's a better actor when he's coked up and Val Kilmer's never been better. There are plenty of twists so pay attention. Very funny too!
0.3
I liked the approach newcomer Rian Johnson created: film noir inside a high school. It worked for most of the scenes but for the few scenes where it didn't work, it really didn't work. I couldn't get it out of my mind that these were just kids as I watched the interactions between Brendan and Emily. Perhaps I'll have to watch it again but overall, it worked. Mostly.
0.3
I admire this movie for not having what sci-fi thrillers usually have: an idiot plot: where characters do moronic things just because the script says so. Dominic West, a british actor whose American accent is less than perfect, has the best screen moment. Watch as he remembers his daughter for the first time. It's an impressive piece of acting! Solid flick!
0.3
Halfway through Season 1 of this Showtime original series and I haven't made up my mind exactly. It's put together well and the premise is pretty solid: an undercover FBI agent has infiltrated a cell of Muslim fundamentalists in America. But I'm waiting for something to actually happen.
0.3
I don't think this film is meant to be understood. Rather you're supposed to get the feeling while watching it that there are big things going on in the world of politics and oil and that one cannot exist today without the other.
0.3
I've finished watching Season 1 again and now I'm on Season 2. Again. This show is brilliantly written, beautifully shot, and well-acted. I probably won't be able to slog through Season 3 as it airs on ABC because of the commercials but that's fine with me.
0.3
Australia's entry in horror's recent resurgence, it fails to tie in the real story (that one of the victims was a prime suspect) but succeeds at exhibiting dread. Not bad but not great.
0.3Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000...
2006-08-01 07:41
What a fucking mess this movie is! At the core of all the problems is the obvious agenda to present a Scientology manifesto instead of a real story.
0.3
This movie really spoke to me. No, not because I'm a pimp and it's hard out here for me, rather, the struggle of recording music and the creative process is captured brilliantly. It's a really great story too.
0.3
Red Dragon has all the creepiness of Silence of the Lamb but without the clunkiness of Hannibal. Chameleon director Brett Ratner is able to convince everyone that he can be as versatile a storyteller as Michael Crichton. I particularly enjoyed how in-depth the examination of the killer was, providing so much more emotional context. Well done!
0.3   |
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Choppa
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Pseudo
Placebo |
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Where
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Cruel
& Unusual |
Today, Dennis Weaver becomes the “3rd slot death,” completing the “bad news” trilogy and rendering yesterday’s theory void. Dennis Weaver was a pretty big star and he surely would have gotten press no matter when he might have died.
But most of the time, my theory works in practice.
Don Knotts and Darren McGavin have both died recently, which is a good time to bring up a theory of mine. You know the old saying, “bad news comes in threes?” Well, I’m not sure that’s really true because watch how this third death (whomever it is) will be a really obscure name that would never make news if it didn’t occupy that third slot.
Just watch.
I’ve been doing some reflection on our president’s time in office, likely much more reflection than he himself has done, and I’ve realized that the road we’re on is totally wrong. This isn’t like Carter saying he’s got “lust in his heart” or Regan making that joke over the air about “the bombing begins in five minutes” or Bush Sr. saying “read my lips” or Clinton asking what the meaning of the word “is” is.
I believe George W. Bush’s enthusiastic willingness to let others do the thinking for him has put the future of the country in serious jeopardy. The worst part is that he’s not done yet. Worse even still: there doesn’t seem to be anyone better to replace him in 2008. Corporate corruption has replaced leadership with power, replaced public need with special interest, replaced indifference with intolerance.
The port ownership issue planted the seed for this post but it’s been a general thought on my mind since his reelection. Can someone out there give me some hope?
This series of posts are workplace e-mails sent to me from 1998, back when e-mail was a relatively novel thing. Because of this, the jokes came by the truckload. Undoubtedly, your humor intake will vary.
A Love Story:
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls, and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look Saying, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear.”
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and a month’s supply of beer saying, “I bought all these things for you. They’re my gifts to you, because I love you so.”
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply And returned the first thousand to the young man saying, “I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my dear.”
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. And after giving long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.
South Dakota becomes the first state to ban abortion which is designed to force the Supreme Court to reconsider it’s landmark 1973 case that legalized the procedure. It shouldn’t take too much time for the rest of the “red states” to follow suit, further cementing George W. Bush in the annals of history.
I’ll say it again: I welcome the reversal. Banning abortion will do nothing to curb teen pregnancy figures, even in the bible belt. Once a few prominent republicans suddenly become grandparents several times over, they’ll realize their mistake.
My humidifier is working overtime here at the homestead and I’ve called in sick for the second time in two months for the flu. Is it a coincidence that this was one of the years in which I did not receive a flu shot? The answer is yes because I’ve gotten sick during years where I’ve received the shot and I’ve gone through other winters with nary a sniffle without a flu shot. So I feel the whole flu shot thing is pretty arbitrary. As I convalesced, one thing that did make me laugh was a drunken phone call from Doug Stein on Saturday night. I didn’t understand most of it but he kept asking me if I had AIDS, which is par for a call from Doug.
Also, since that video link was removed because it was slammed by traffic, here’s a local copy hosted by this site (which receives practically no traffic). Enjoy.
…at this here video.
Does your DVD collection compete with television?
In other words, let’s say you’re flipping around TV channels and you find a movie or TV show playing that you own on DVD. Do you watch it on TV? Or do you look for something else, thinking, “I already own that so I’ll flip around for something else.”
Speaking for myself, I never watch a TV broadcast of a movie or TV show that I own on DVD.
I might watch the TV broadcast for a scene or two and if I get into it, even if it’s on HBO, I’ll get up, pick the DVD off the shelf, and watch that instead, the way it was meant to be seen: widescreen and no commercials. I did that the other day with Goodfellas that was playing on Cinemax.
Other times, I figure I can watch that show/movie anytime since I own the DVD and I’ll continue flipping looking for something else.
The reason I ask is that there was a workplace conversation recently about this very topic and apparently MOST people are the exact opposite: they’ll watch it on TV but they’ll hardly ever watch their DVD. My take on that is the obvious question: why own the DVD if you’re content waiting around for TV to show it to you?
I’ve been hesitant at commenting on the Vice President’s super-successful hunting trip because all the jokes have pretty much been made. One joke I haven’t heard that much is this one:
At least when the Clintons killed Vince Foster, they had the good sense to not be around.
Yes, I know it doesn’t really work since this Whittington fellow didn’t actually provide counsel for the White House. Plus, he’s still alive.
He may die, though, and that would be the first man killed by a sitting vice president since Arron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in 1804. Maybe this Whittington fellow insulted Cheney’s integrity. That wouldn’t be difficult.
Everyone has probably heard of a “Darwin Award;” that prestigious recognition arising from a stupid, senseless death requiring a complete lack of brains. There’s even a new movie of the same name starring Winona Ryder and the late Chris Penn.
Well, I just watched a documentary called Grizzly Man about Timothy Treadwell, a naturalist of sorts, spending the last 13 summers in the Alaskan penninsula hanging around bears. He brought his girlfriend with him one summer to help shoot footage for a documentary he intended to produce. While observing one of the bears, the creature turned on him and his girlfriend, killing and eating them both. Yes, the camera was running the whole time and no, they don’t show any of that particular footage.
I feel for his parents and the parents of his girlfriend but this guy was so annoying! He had a fake Australian accent, he would stage shots of himself in the wild pretending to “protect” the bears, he’d very often be driven to tears proclaiming his deep love for all the animals yet he seemed to know very little about nature. What a douche! Christ, I wish he survived so bears could eat him again.
Timothy Treadwell wins the Darwin Award of the millennium!
I got a form e-mail from the author of Merchants of Deception.
Hi Christopher,
Since launching the www.merchantsofdeception.com web site and free book, I have been contacted by victims of the scheme from literally all over the world. What is shocking is the identical fashion in which the public is recruited, deceived and liberated from their money whether it be here in the US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Europe or Asia. The global database of victim’s testimonials continues to grow.
The cult methodolgies utilized by some of the motivational organizations is of growing concern to individuals both here and in Europe. Three different cult experts have been retained in the US alone to assist victms and their families. Former Distributors /IBO’s have sent testimonials of their families being split apart, of foreclosures, and bankruptcies. One individual estimates his losses in the hundreds of thousands of dollars after decades in Amway working intimately with a high level Diamond.
Countless others have responded with stories of being defruaded in a manner identical to that described in the book. Others have made contact in desperation in an attempt to get help in getting someone they love ‘out’.
UK Government – The Department of Trade and Industry and its associated legal staff have reviewed large amounts of documentation regarding the Amway/Amvio motivational fraud. They have already met with multiple victims. If you live in the UK, were recruited into these organizations and lost money, please file a complaint immediately with:
Mr. Cliff Callaghan
Tel: 020 7215 3338/3051
Director & Deputy
Inspector of Companies, Companies Investigation
Branch,
DTI
VB 707, 10 Victoria Street,
SW1H ONNCliff.Callaghan@dti.gsi.gov.uk
These Merchants of Deception updates will be few as I do not want you to ever feel like you are receiving too many e-mails. As critcial news develops, you will be notified.
Thanks so much for your time.
Kindest Regards,
Eric Scheibeler
http://www.merchantsofdeception.com
So I guess he’s using his real name, now that the cat is completely out of the bag. Best of luck to you, Eric, as well as the human race. Seems we’re going to need it.
I’ve always thought it silly that black history month existed, like black history could be relegated to a single month. Which month is white history month? Or hispanic history month? What about eskimos? Maybe they only get a week. Aborigines only get an hour!
Anyway, here’s a very funny skit from the Howard Stern Show, posted this morning by request.
I’ve also created a new page called Audio Gems (the red square to the left) and it houses all the MP3s and wav files that I’ve accumulated.
The above image is the cartoon that has caused so much trouble. Yeah, it’s probably unfair to demonize an entire religion based on a few extremists’ actions but on a larger level, it’s just another example of fundamentalism breeding no concept of irony.
It’s the same here in the states: ask your friendly, neighborhood anti-abortion numbskull whether or not it makes sense for pro-lifers to kill abortion doctors. Nope, no conflict there. Clearly, God’s will is being served. They even ignore one of their ten commandments as they spread the word of Jesus by killing. Apparently, it’s “Shou shallt not kill unless you really want to.”
Well done, scumbags.
Merchants of Deception (an Adobe Acrobat file @ 2.0 MB) has inspired me to tell my own tale: a one week experience in the world of multi-level marketing.
It was late 1993-early 1994. I’d just freed myself of working for a phony motion picture production company and several conventional job interviews afterward seemed to be taking me nowhere. New Jersey is a tough state to live in without a decent income so I had to find gainful employment and fast.
I answered an ad calling for “Management Trainees” for an outfit called “Healthy Lifestyles.” Normally, such a business name would turn me off immediately but the ad hit upon all the right words: paid training period, salaried pay, hyper-growth business, etc. I was instructed to drive down to Menlo Park, NJ for a group interview. Group interview, I thought? What the hell is that? I set aside my reservations and made the drive. After all, it was just an interview.
The Healthy Lifestyles office was contained in one of those two-story strip mall structures they place next to large malls, sort of off to the side. I later learned that it contained office space for only these types of businesses because rent was cheap and the space could be converted for a new tenant very quickly.
I arrived for the group interview early. They trotted me into this small conference area with a dozen or so chairs arranged like a grade-school classroom. A twenty-something inch television rested on a cart in the front of the conference room. Not long after, about six other people arrive and are similarly seated. Finally the interviewer, a dangerously fat man named Jack (name altered), arrived. He doesn’t speak about any “amazing opportunity” or “chance of a lifetime” crap because they probably figured out how turned-off people are to that shit.
Instead, Jack tells us the history of the business and what they do, in a very straight-forward manner. Then he rolls the TV cart forward a bit, switches it on, and pops in a videotape. What plays is a segment from what appears to be a cable channel show about money and investing. They go on to say that a big trend they’ve been seeing in the 90s is that of health-consciousness and how one of the most profitable investments are those involved with health improvement: gyms, spas, drug rehabilitation centers, and health-related consumer merchandise.
At no time did this cable show mention “Healthy Lifestyles” by name. If it did, then I would have been very suspicious. I thought to myself, “well hell, if they made that tape themselves, they spared no expense” as it looked very genuine. If hired, Jack said, our two week training period would begin. As promised in the newspaper ad, we’d be paid during this training period, but it would have to be minimum wage, as the company deemed this timeframe not only as your training time but also as a trial period: you’d have to test your mettle and prove yourself.
The “health-related consumer merchandise” was [wait for it]…health-conscious cookware, which is a fancy way of saying pots & pans.
So that you understand why I entered this craziness, I should stop and mention what my situation was at this time. I knew how sales worked and I also knew that the right person in sales could do very well for himself. I figured it’s a paid two weeks of training. And if I’m honest with myself, I really wanted to see if I could sell. I was a much happier, more adventurous person back then. I was far less jaded and angry, in fact, I was a fun and charismatic guy. So I was curious to see how I might do. So out of the seven people that sat through the interview, I think three accepted: me and two other doofi.
The rest of the day, they went over the features of the pots and pans. Basically, they were made of copper and stainless steel (like every other pot and pan on the planet) but the prices! Whoa daddy! The lowest price package was something like $1200 and that was three stupid pieces! I’m not kidding. They also sold china and flatware. I was never sure what made this china and flatware “health-conscious” but whatever.
Then they explained the economics, which revealed the multi-level aspect of this marketing. As a trainee, I would not get any commission which is fair because the salesman is the one doing the work. The salesman would get something like 25% of the package price. I think 20% went to the salesman’s trainer, 40% went to Jack the fatman, and the remaining 15% went to overhead and the actual cost.
They also tell me about leads. Just like in the movie Glengarry Glen Ross, they compiled lead cards that hopefully contained a person that was an optimum sales-target. I was informed that the best sales-target was employed single girls that live with their parents. In New Jersey (and the entire metro area) it’s not uncommon for children to live with their parents well into their twenties because rent is so damned expensive. The thinking behind this particular target is that they have some disposable income (living with mom & dad) and they were likely looking to get married soon so they’d need quality cookware/place settings.
Once my new employer found out that I had a reliable car, they paired me up with Dawn (name changed) because she had recently lost her driver’s license due to a DWI charge (I swear it’s the truth). Dawn was in her mid-thirties and had been with the company for a few months. She seemed a decent sort, very professional (for a drunk).
For the following day, Dawn told me to dress nicely and come pick her up at her place. I was to be the cabbie. So I arrived in the only suit I had and Dawn gave me a stack of blank lead cards. The lead card is printed to look like an entry form for a contest to win an all-expense paid vacation. One thing about the form that immediately reveals it as a sales tool is the question “What time of day are you generally home from work?”
I asked her what the deal was and she says, “we’re going trolling.” So we drove over to the nearby mall, walked into the food court, and handed the lead cards to young women, telling them it’s a raffle for a free vacation. Believe it or not, most of the time they filled it out with very little pushback.
Another very effective method of trolling is to go to a popular night club, give the manager a couple hundred bucks to let you set up a table in the foyer (after they’ve checked IDs) and single out all the young women to fill out an entry form for a big raffle later that evening. Again, most of the girls willingly filled the thing out. Yes, we actually did hold a raffle and yes there was a winner. I don’t know exactly what they won but I highly doubted it’s “all expenses paid.”
Yet another method of trolling involves partnering up with your local gas station attendant, promising him one of our coupons for a free camera and film for one year in exchange for handing out these lead cards to young women. You see, in New Jersey, there is no self-serve gas stations. The attendant has to pump it for you. It may not be that way today, but that’s the way it was in early 1994. I even found a cooperative attendant and gave him blank lead cards.
I remember they really protected those camera coupons because they were real; real in a sense that they were probably worth more than the vacation giveaway. So you had to sign them out and they’d keep track of how many you gave away. If your sales were below a certain mark, you weren’t allowed to sign out any more camera coupons. I don’t know where they got these coupons but they were useful tools.
So you see, I was really trying to make a go of it. I figured if I’m going to do it, then I’m going to do it using proven methods so I can give myself a chance to succeed.
Having a completed lead card filled out by some Jersey Girl is one thing. Setting up a sit (an appointment that could be a sale) is quite another. You have to call them up and make an appointment to speak with them and give them your pitch. That was the tough part. Of course, they had a way of scripting the phone call that maximized the likelihood of a scheduled sit.
So it came time to go on a sit with Dawn. Since she now had a way of getting around (me) she had a chance to make some money so I tagged along on three sits. The first and second sits were busts (no sale). The third sit was much more interesting.
We entered this girl’s apartment somewhere in central Jersey. I have no idea what her name was but we’ll call her Sue. Sue’s boyfriend was there with her. Let’s call him Larry. The policy on making a pitch to men was simple: don’t do it unless you have no choice. Involving men in the pitch was death in sales, I was told. But hey, girls sometimes have live-in boyfriends; there wasn’t much we could do about it.
Sue invited us to sit down at her dining table. Dawn set up her kit and went right into her spiel, first asking for a glass of cold water (which sounds like a harmless request but it plays an important part of the pitch as you’ll see later).
Dawn started by asking Sue what they generally eat for dinner, how much they spend on ordering pizza, how often they go to restaurants, etc. All the answers are being memorized by Dawn, of course, so they can be used to later close the sale. No matter what the answers to these questions were, Dawn had a way to twist them around, converting them into an argument in favor of a purchase.
Now realize that throughout Dawn’s pitch, Larry is seated with us. When Dawn asked Sue about going out to eat at restaurants, Larry waited for Sue to answer and then he pipes in with a story about the last time they ate out: how the waiter smelled funny, detailed stories about what they ate, what movie they saw, etc., which made Sue laugh. I silently wondered what this guy’s story was.
Then Dawn asked Sue to hold out her hand, palm up. Dawn placed the smallest pot on her bare palm. She then took the glass of cold water and poured it into the pot. This is designed to show how quickly and effectively the base transfers energy because the pot will immediately get cold. What the customer doesn’t know is that ANY pot or pan with a copper base will act in the exact same way. Copper is one of the best conductors but the average person on the street doesn’t know this. So they assume that THESE pots & pans must be extra-special!
When Dawn placed the pot on Sue’s bare palm, Larry got up, opened the dishwasher, picked out a pot, filled it with cold water from the tap, and did the test for himself!
I quickly realized that Larry was totally fucking with us! I have a very healthy sense of humor and even though Dawn was not very amused, it took about all I had to not bust out laughing.
Picture it: at the moment Dawn poured the cold water in the pot that Sue was holding, Larry was over by the sink doing the exact same thing. He’d say, holding his own pot, “Yeah, that is amazing. It transfers the cold very well!”
At this point, Dawn was shooting daggers at Larry but he could tell that I was enjoying the show. If something is funny enough, all my best efforts at suppressing laughter fail miserably.
Dawn’s not stupid; she knew this sit was probably a bust. So she went to wrap things up with the close. One of the most effective closing methods is to do the “Ben Franklin Close” which, this particular evening, went something like this:
Dawn: You remember learning about Ben Franklin from grade school?
Sue: Yes.
Larry: He invented that wineglass musical instrument thing and Mozart actually wrote music for it!
Dawn: (ignoring Larry) would you say Ben Franklin was a smart man?
Sue: Sure.
Larry: I’ll bet I could beat him at hang-gliding
Dawn: (turning red with anger) if Ben Franklin had a difficult choice to make, he’d take a piece of paper, draw a line down the center, and write the “cons” on one side and the “pros” on the other.
So Dawn did exactly that: jotted down all the “pros” of owning our pots & pans. In the “cons” column, there’s only ever one item: cost. The cost was taken care of with the handy payment plan, blah blah blah, which took care of all the customer’s “cons.” So they’re left with no choice but to make a purchase, or so the theory goes. Larry got up from the table and went into a bedroom behind me. I was paying attention to what Dawn was saying when suddenly a photograph gets shoved in front of my eyes. I pull focus and see that it’s a guy hang-gliding down a mountain.
Larry: That’s me hang-gliding in Colorado this summer.
That was all it took for me to completely lose it. Anyone that knows me knows that when I let loose a big laugh, I do it with my whole body. Before Dawn and I left, Larry confessed to us that he had been a salesman before and that he hoped there weren’t any hard feelings. I felt like I just made a good friend but Dawn was super pissed! No sale.
Keep in mind that all this happened in the span of one week. The final straw for me was the sales conference.
The regional manager, Mr. Smiley, was coming down from the city to give us a little pep talk at the conference hall of a nearby hotel. The entire New Jersey sales force of about fifty was there and they were all talking about how Mr. Smiley liked to give away $100 bills during his conferences. I wasn’t sure what they meant but I didn’t like the looks of things when he finally arrived.
Mr. Smiley was one of those five-foot-eight-inch guys with perfect hair, big gaudy rings on his fingers, a goofy tie clip with a dollar sign on it, matching cuff links, and dressed like a gangster-wannabe. Ack! Everyone jumped out of their seats clapping when he approached the dais.
He launches right into some motivational speech that you’ve likely heard before, every once in awhile asking us, “are you fired up?” which everyone but me replied, “FIRED UP!” jumping up out of their seats whilst doing so. The one who jumped the highest & shouted the loudest received a $100 bill.
I was disgusted.
The conference continued with the usual get-out-there-and-sell garbage. Toward the end, everyone was standing at attention hoping he’d ask the magic question “Are You Fired Up?” so they could jump up and collect their money, like some retarded Pavlov experiment. I was standing too but only to avoid the scrutiny that would have come my way had I been sitting.
I didn’t jump nor was I fired up. What I was doing was plotting my departure from this craziness. But I had some unfinished business: I promised that gas station attendant a camera coupon but I had been there for only a week and had no sales at all. Earlier during the conference, I spotted some camera coupons in Dawn’s briefcase. When the conference ended and Mr. Smiley was talking to Jack the fatman, all the Menlo Park people gathered together in a corner of the conference hall.
This was my chance to make a break for it yet still allow me to keep my promise to the gas station guy. I walked quickly up to the group, looked at Dawn, tilted my head toward Jack and said, “Hey, Jack said he needs a camera coupon.” So she handed me one, I exited the hotel, got in my car, and drove directly to the gas station. I got out of my car and my guy was there looking a little disappointed. He said, “I’m sorry man, out of all those cards, I only have two filled out.” “That’s OK,” I said, handing him the coupon. “Here’s your camera.” He thanked me and I drove away.
I never saw any of those people again and, predictably, I never saw any paycheck for that week. But it’s perfectly alright. What I took away from that experience was far more valuable than a week’s worth of minimum wage. Between Larry and Mr. Smiley, I learned that it’s all just so damn meaningless & silly and that only a certain type of person can excel at sales. It’s the type of person that loves money above all things, including dignity. Not unlike an Amway distributor.
For the second time, I’m reading the free book, Merchants of Deception (an Adobe Acrobat file @ 2.0 MB), by John Jacob (a pseudonym) about his 10 year association with Amway. It’s a fascinating read about a man’s desire to provide for his family but instead getting caught in the psychological stranglehold of probably one of the most evil corporations in the world.
“John Jacob’s new book, Merchants of Deception is a must read! It reveals the inner workings of one of the largest privately held companies in the world, whose distributor force has used deceit and mind control techniques to ensnare millions of people around the world. Cult mind control techniques are not only used in religious groups – they have entered the world of business – and everyone must become aware of it, or risk the consequences. John Jacob has shown in this book, how intelligent, educated mainstream citizens can be seduced and controlled. After his years of committed leadership with Amway, he experienced most of the characteristic psychological problems people have after walking away from a cult. As a licensed mental health counselor, I can say that I am convinced that there is a cult mind control problem with the Amway Motivational organization’s system. I have been counseling people with cult mind control problems for over twenty years, and John Jacob’s problems fit the classic profile. I am so pleased to see that he has worked hard on his recovery and that he is so dedicated to share his experience and knowledge. He is courageous and I heartily applaud the release of this important, new book.”
STEVEN HASSAN M. ED, LMHC
President of the Freedom of Mind Resource Center
“After 4 years of “business building” and not even making 2500 in volume, our family was breaking apart and we were near bankruptcy when I said I’d had enough. Our children were suffering while we put their needs on hold until we “got free.” A few months after I quit the Amway business my wife filed for divorce because I had suddenly become a “dream stealer” and a “loser.” This book chronicles exactly how the Amway Motivational Organizations expertly use psychological, emotional and financial deception to, at all costs, increase their secretive income source. My family and finances are but one of the many casualties. This book is a gripping, well-documented white knuckle express to the darkest depths of deception and betrayal.”
ASHLEY WILKES, photographer/filmmaker
“As a mental health professional who works with people in cults and an ex-cult member myself (6 years in Scientology), I have to say that John Jacobs has done a masterful job at illustrating, in this compelling book, how certain business groups can have the very same cultic dynamics as the more well-known religious cults. This book is a page-turner. John Jacob tells the story of his experience within the Amway ranks, from his earliest recruitment, to his decision to leave the organization and the emotionally and financially devastating aftermath. This is an account I have heard many times before from ex-cult members. This could just as easily been the story of any ex-member of any well-known cult, since the dynamics were the same. In the organization I was a member of, there was information that people were not told about, until they were both very emotionally and financially committed to the group. Controversial information was given only very gradually and people were told acceptable truths. Had I known this information from the start, I never would have gotten involved. The same holds true for John Jacob’s experience within the Amway Motivational Organization. In my group, we were encouraged to perfectly duplicate the material that came from our leader. No creativity or originality was allowed. Ditto for the Amway group, who even used the exact same term that we did (duplication). People who left the organization were considered to be miserable, degraded, losers who had committed crimes against the group. Members were made to fear leaving the group, which was seen, in our distorted, indoctrinated state of mind, to be tantamount to complete personal destruction. Once again, we see this pattern throughout John Jacob’s experience. The aftermath of the emotional traumatization ex-cult members go through after leaving is also the same. If anyone thinks that cults have to necessarily be religious in nature, they need to read this book, which solidly proves otherwise. I highly recommend that anyone who’s life has been touched by the cultic experience, read this book, whether it be the professional, the ex-cult member, or a family member with a loved one involved in a cult.”
MONICA PIGNOTTI, MSW, CSW, ex-Scientologist
Looks like Radiohead and Tom Petty are the main attractions for Bonnaroo 2006.
I think I’m going to opt out this year. Radiohead is an OK band but they’re really a mismatch for this venue. Tom Petty is a good fit but I’m not a big fan. No word on Ween or New Pornographers so it’s looking like a bust. The only artist in the entire Bonnaroo lineup that I really like is Elvis Costello. Well, that’s not really enough.