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Archive for January, 2006

Iron Sponge

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 31st, 2006

I’ve never been a big Iron Maiden fan but I thought this was kind of funny.

The Omen Movies

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 29th, 2006

Forgive this sudden lapse into extreme frivolity (compared to the topics of recent posts) but I just watched Omen IV: The Awakening on Cinemax and I feel I should comment on this horror picture franchise.

I’ve always said the best horror films integrate some strong religious element. Doing so seems to inject an air of legitimacy to stories and plots that would normally be downright silly. Films like Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, Amityville Horror, and even Carrie are pretty effective horror flicks in large part because of religious themes. The Omen counts among these and surpasses even The Exorcist in the amount of religious content, especially when you count all the sequels from both camps.

The first Omen flick is a masterpiece. Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner, and Billie Whitelaw are all incredible. The buildup is so deliciously slow, you wish it would last even longer. Released in June of 1976, it grossed over $60 million, which is a fair take even by today’s standards. It was inevitable there would be a sequel. Damien: The Omen II was flawed but still effective and this time William Holden (who turned down the first film) jumped at the chance to be Damien’s on-screen guardian. Wishing to close out the series (and three is the magic number for both the holy and unholy trinities), producer Harvey Bernhard gave us Omen III: The Final Conflict. The only reason to watch the third Omen movie is for Sam Neill’s over the top chapel monologues. Performance-wise, it’s the best Damien of the bunch but that’s not too hard when you’re competing with a 5 year old and a 13 year old. A very special mention goes to Jerry Goldsmith for writing the music to all three films. His work on The Omen earned him an Oscar for best score! Without his music, these films would have been just plain goofy. Which brings us to number four.

Omen IV: The Awakening is such a huge miscalculation that it’s damned painful to watch. Poor choices abound! Bad acting, craptacular editing, thin plotting, dumb casting, and really, really awful music. Apparently, Jerry Goldsmith never returned any of the producer’s phone calls during pre-production and what foresight! There are scenes during this movie that are so awkward that I have to assume the director was blind and/or partially deaf. Speaking of which, can you believe there were two, count ‘em, TWO directors for this cinematic suppository? Jorge Montesi and Dominique Othenin-Girard are the dumb & dumber of horror. It’s a very sad ending to a most satisfying franchise. I miss it already.

As I was doing light research for this small post, I made a surprising discovery involving the myriad remakes of late. You guessed it, Hollywood is set to release a remake of the first Omen movie this summer. Titled Omen 666, it stars Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles, David Thewlis, and Mia Farrow (you can probably guess their characters). Given this cast, I may actually get out there and see it. It’ll be nice to see Mia Farrow in another horror movie after all these years. I doubt she’ll be as good as Billie Whitelaw (those eyes!) but I’m willing to give her the benefit of that doubt.

One more thing: the title of this new movie is Omen 666, so if they don’t release it on June 6, 2006, then I really don’t understand movie marketing as well as I think I do.

The Van Epps Family Crest

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 28th, 2006

Very yellow and blue

I was clicking around my brother’s website where he’s got a Van Epps family crest displayed prominently. I think I remember seeing this on Shannon Moon’s geneology page but I never actually took a close look at it. I find it interesting that it’s yellow and blue: it seems to suit us well. The Van Epps’ are famous for being both yellow and blue. Only kidding. Sort of.

Enron (by CheeseFarts)

Posted by CheeseFarts on January 26th, 2006

it’s been a while but CheeseFarts is back baby and with big big news….on Monday, Jan 30, the biggest white-collar criminal trial begins.

if Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are acquitted, as I fear they very well might be…then count me out of everything. I realize the law has less to do with justice and more to do with finding loopholes for rich guys but if the prosecutors fuck this one up, then let anarchy begin…long live chaos. I’m serious…these guys are the slipperyest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. Far, far, far worse that George W! how can they possibly get away with causing power outages in California to control the price of electricity?…or using projected profits as though they were real profits?…or gambling on the price of oil, the supply of power, and the weather? THE WEATHER??? If there’s a better example of greed being bad…then I don’t know about it. CheeseFarts will be watching this trial closely and keeping cvanepps.com up to date.

Love and fermented flatulence,
CheeseFarts

Methinks He Protests Too Much

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 26th, 2006

The headline of this story says Bush Confident Warrantless Wiretaps Legal.

Well that makes one of us.

But don’t you think it’s funny that there are multiple stories of Bush saying “it’s legal, it’s legal” kind of like he’s expecting a shitstorm? Nixon did the same thing: he could see the writing on the wall so Tricky Dick, Haldeman, Dean, and Ehrlichman started flipping out. If we had a modern-day Bernstein and Woodward, we might actually get to the bottom of this. But today’s journalists are far too busy making up their own facts.

When did everything turn to shit?

Annoying New Law

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 26th, 2006

This story tells of a new provision that was included in the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act, signed into law on Jan 5. The law is designed to provide better legal protection against stalkers and the new provision will treat e-mail in a similar way. Cyberstalking. Fair enough.

But what does this have to do with bloggers?

“While the change appears to be an attempt to close loopholes that stalkers could exploit such as using VOIP to talk someone, if read broadly, it could criminalize Web pages or blogs that criticize, lampoon, or otherwise annoy someone,” the Electronic Privacy Information Center, or EPIC, states in a recent privacy alert.

Jayne Hitchcock, president and founder of the group, Working To Halt Online Abuse, or WHOA said that the way the law is worded, it can be applied to message boards, chat rooms, instant messaging, electronic greetings, and pretty much anything that can be accessed over the Internet without a password.

She’s fine with that part. It’s the word annoy that bothers the anti-cyberstalking expert.

“I think they’re going to be bogged down with petty cases when there are legitimate cyberstalking cases out there,” she said during an interview Friday. “I asked them not to include that word several times, and they just wouldn’t do it, and we wouldn’t support it after that. It’s going to really hurt the real cyberstalking victims out there. What the law comes down to is: if you write things that don’t agree with my opinions, you’re annoying.”

My take on this development: the world is filled to the rim with litigious scumbags who have no concept of making their own living. Give them a way to sue someone for having an opinion that differs from theirs, and they’ll absolutely take it!

Just Another Morning At Daycare

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 25th, 2006

This story tells of an 8 year old boy shooting a 7 year old girl while at day care in Maryland.

I’m waiting for his side of the story. I mean, maybe the girl had it coming.

Chris Penn Dead

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 25th, 2006

Chris Penn, brother to actor Sean and musician Michael, was found dead in his residence: a four-story condo in Santa Monica. Wow, that sucks. He was really terrible in Reservoir Dogs.

Dead as Disco
Ahhhh, What do I care? I’m dead.

Convenience

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 24th, 2006

In this story, one of Bush’s “top U.S. Intelligence Officials” said that the domestic spying program is necessary to thwart terrorism, adding that the 28-year old Foreign Intelligence Surviellance Act, one of the hurdles to the program, is “not optimized to deal or prevent a 9/11 or deal with a lethal enemy who likely already had combatants inside the United States.”

So FISA is a mere 28 years old and they’ve deemed that out-of-date. Yet the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is 217 years old and clearly “not optimized” to deal with gun deaths, a bigger killer than all acts of terrorism combined.

A law is only meaningful when it’s inconvenient to live with. Bush’s taste for a stacked deck continues to develop unabated.

The Influence of Jackie Martling

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 22nd, 2006

Many times in life, a person can work so hard for so long and yet never receive any sort of recognition, let alone accolade. I think many of us can empathize with this scenario. How many times do you solve a particularly nasty problem at work, only to have your efforts go ignored? Personally, I’ve lost count both at my place of employment and also for creative efforts. I don’t know the original author of the following quote, but the first time I saw it was in a Peanuts cartoon:

“Doing a good job in this place is like wetting your pants in a dark suit. It gives you a warm feeling but nobody notices.”

I used to listen to the Howard Stern radio show while living in New Jersey in 1993-1995. It was the first time I heard the show and because it was so different than anything I’d ever heard before, I instantly became a fan. I loved it so much, I set up a way to record the show while I was at work. I connected RCA audio cables from a stereo receiver to a VCR which allowed me to make unattended, 5-hour recordings. This allowed me to listen to these shows for years to come, which was great because in 1995, I moved to North Carolina thus making it impossible to hear the show anymore. So these shows have been listened to over and over for eleven years! I know them well.

I have about a dozen shows recorded during this time, and what a time it was! The OJ Simpson trial, Private Parts the book, NAMBLA, Miss Howard Stern New Year’s Pay-Per-View, Howard’s gubernatorial race, Michael Jackson’s first foray into pedophilia, and the Cleveland Funeral. In addition to the amazing Billy West, the radio show at this time featured the venerable Jackie Martling.

I was not part of the radio audience during the time Jackie left the show in 2001 to be replaced with Artie Lange, so I can’t really comment on the reasons for his departure. But having listened to the new Howard Stern Show on Sirius sattelite radio for two weeks (for the first time, by the way, since those watershed years of 93-95), I feel I can comment on Jackie’s contribution, which many people I’ve spoken to seem to brush off since Artie’s arrival. Just to be clear, this isn’t an Artie vs. Jackie comparison. I’m sure Artie makes a valuable contribution.

My opinion on this will be in the minority but I think Jackie Martling’s influence on the Howard Stern Show during this particular time was paramount to the comedy of the show. And I’m not even talking about Jackie’s role of supplying Howard with jokes scribbled on post-it notes on-the-fly: a practice that clearly helped Howard during interviews and phone calls. No, I’m talking about Jackie’s presence itself.

Each show I’ve recorded contains numerous examples of Howard, Robin, Fred, and Billy using Jackie’s manner of speech, using Jackie as a whipping post, or using sound bytes containing one of Jackie’s laughs (especially during the news segment). I have many, many examples including sound clips from these shows. I’m going to leave out most of the random, singular references to Jackie that are pervasive (like the sound bytes used during the news). In the interest of keeping this post relatively short, I’m only going to include clips that comprise a significant amount of length or a significant amount of laughs.

The majority of these samples are from shows aired in June of 1994.

Example 1 – (2:35) – During a news story about a tornado hitting a church and causing it’s roof to collapse: Jackie’s laugh is used and Howard later talks about the futility of Methodist prayer and how Jackie is living proof.

Example 2 – (4:43) – In what started as a goof on Gary about one of his animation art interviews, Gary suggests that one of Jackie’s interviews gets pulled as well as Jackie showing a picture of his wife’s breasts. Robin even does the JackieVoice.

Example 3 – (4:31) – A discussion about Gary buying a house turns briefly to Jackie having children. Later, Gary reveals the story about Jackie and a couple buddies trying to molest some sheep.

Example 4 – (0:31) – Howard theorizes about the identity of a source used in a news item about his gubernatorial bid.

Example 5 – (2:04) – After a news story about Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Jones, a discussion about the male ego turns inward toward the show as Howard uses Jackie and his writing role as an example.

Example 6 – (2:01) – Howard asks everyone what they’ll be doing for their vacations. Everyone chimes in but only Jackie’s plans get the comedic treatment.

Example 7 – (9:29) – Jackie and Nancy invite the “show principals” to a dinner party.

Example 8 – (5:24) – The crew talks about how easy it is for glamorous actresses to prove they can act (by turning themselves ugly) which turns into a discussion about Jackie’s wife, Nancy, and their night on the town.

Example 9 – (24:34) – This is a big one but the relevant section needed to have context. Besides, it’s one of the funniest clips I have: Elaine Marks, winner of the New Year’s Rotten Eve Pageant, calls into the show wondering why she’s not on the same plane as Howard when they make their trip to Cleveland for the planned funeral of John “Cyclops” Lanagan.

Example 10 – (8:09) – To satisfy Howard’s curiosity about all the sound bytes used over the years, he decides to test a random listener. The biggest segment of the test is all the Jackie sound bytes.

Example 11 – (6:33) – In a news story about teen sex, the crew makes liberal use of the JackieVoice. Afterward, in a string of news stories, Jackie’s laughs are used to great effect. During the last news story in this clip, Robin breaks down in hysterics because of one of Jackie’s sound bytes!

Example 12 – (3:16) – A listener writes to the show with a question about Jackie, which prompts Fred to play the infamous on-air apology.

Example 13 – (2:48) – Tom (the General Manager of WXRK) is in the studio talking about golf. Jackie’s black impression gets special attention.

Example 14 – (7:34) – During one of Jackie’s many plugs, a long discussion begins over Jackie’s “jetty” which was common fodder for everyone on the show. A side note: I loved it whenever Robin did the JackieVoice, it’s so funny!

Example 15 – (4:28) – During a live commercial about Roy Rogers, another long story arises about Jackie’s eating habits.

Example 16 – (1:05) – It’s revealed in a random news item that Pierce Brosnan is to be the next James Bond, but Howard thinks about what it would be like if Jackie was chosen instead.

Example 17 – (13:43) – During a live commercial, it comes out that Jackie has hired a manager for the first time, which the crew uses to fire off a hilarious barrage of ribbing. Billy West operates the JackiePuppet.

Example 18 – (2:46) – One of Robin’s news items was hurricane Allison threatening the Florida coast, specifically the town of Apalachicola. Howard then reprises the joke about Jackie’s new manager and Billy contributes.

Example 19 – (1:18) – Another news item was the airing of the Tony Awards. During his acceptance speech, Ralph Fiennes thanks his “English agent” which, once again, prompts Howard to resurrect the joke about Jackie’s new manager. Amazingly, Billy combines his impression of Jackie together with an English accent. Billy West was incredible!

Example 20 – (2:52) – During their Tony Awards coverage, Patrick Stewart was presenting an award but he’d lost his voice earlier that evening. So the crew make fun of Stewart and Martling! Hilarious!

Some of these examples might seem to contain a large amount of content irrelevant to my argument, however, it’s merely an attempt to preserve context. Also, looking at these examples isolated the way they are from the rest of the show’s content might give the impression that I’m trying to say the show was funny solely because of Jackie. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Howard is the funny one, let’s not kid ourselves.

So what am I trying to say with this huge post? Put simply, in addition to assisting Howard with jokes, bits, and other material, Jackie Martling provided an intangible contribution in a very unique way. Merely having Jackie’s presence seemed to provide the others with a channel through which show content was “made funny.”

For instance, applying Jackie’s manner of speech, as exaggerated by Howard and the others, working like a filter, would transform nearly any spoken sentence into a punchline! The crewmember who seemed to use this device most often was Howard Stern himself. If he had nothing particular to say about a news item, Howard clearly took an element from the story and applied the “just add Jackie” rule. Aside from Gary or Stuttering John (who’s also now missing from the show), no other regular crewmember can claim the same thing about their presence.

So this post is not only recognition for Jackie’s contribution, it is also an accolade. In reading various forum posts across the internet about Jackie’s departure five years ago, fans seemed like they completely wrote off his contribution, almost as if to say, “if Howard’s going to dump him, then I’ll dump him too;” like they never noticed he was there.

Well, I noticed. I loved Jackie’s contribution to the show, even if it was an indirect one at times. I don’t think those precious few recorded shows I’ve collected would be as funny if Jackie wasn’t on them.

About the new Howard Stern Show on Sirius, I can now say with aplomb: “I miss Jackie!”

And the Atrocities Continue

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 21st, 2006

This story tells of the embarrassing tale of Reese Witherspoon getting caught wearing the same dress at the Golden Globes that Kristen Dunst wore three years ago.

I fully realize how important dresses and gowns can be for future generations. After all, how can we look our children in the eye and tell them that mankind deserves to have a future at all when dresses get worn by more than one woman several years apart? Can there be an explanation that satisfies the writers of history? I fear there may not be and it concerns me deeply. I have a strong desire to explain this situation to our children’s children so they don’t have a perception of us as evil. But how can that be when such stories see the light of day? First the holocaust, now this? I fear our children will not forgive us for such transgressions.

Here is a tragic truth: a thousand years from now when all our misdeeds reap the benefits of perspective (a viewpoint that cannot be simulated), we will be unable to engage in a dialogue with those passing judgement.

ReeseKristen

I am embarrassed for Reese and Kristen but most of all, I am embarrassed for the human race.

Bin Laden’s Greatest Hits

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 20th, 2006

This story tells of a new tape released by supergroup Bin Laden. It demonstrates that the United States is still close to his heart; he and his merry band of misfits are planning something special for us in the future.

Awww, shucks! And we didn’t get him anything!

He’s a busy little fellow, what with all the tapes he’s put out. I wish I were as prolific as Osama and The Bin Ladens. I wonder what his next hit will be? I’d like to offer a suggestion for a future project:

Bin Laden and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should do an acoustic-only collection about infidels and the holocaust. It could be huge. After that, we release a Greatest Hits package and include a new track; maybe an accapella number, like a Doo-Wop kind of thing. Bowser from Sha-Na-Na could sit in.

Bowser

Comparing Apples and Intel

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 18th, 2006

With Steve Jobs’ announcement last year that Apple would begin to buld it’s Desktop and Notebook computers with Intel processors, thus dropping IBM chips, it means many things and all of them good for Apple. First and foremost, it means cheaper computers, as Apple has always been prohibitively expensive. Second, as announced by Steve Jobs himself this week, it means faster computers.

But wait a second. I remember reading several stories years ago that Apple’s PowerPC microprocessors would regularly outperform Intel-based PCs when measured in “teraflops.” What the fuck is a teraflop, you say? Apparently, it’s a trillion floating point operations per second. In fact, I remember reading it on the apple.com website back when I was on the verge of making a G5 purchase for music production.

Today, however, not only is the term “teraflop” missing from the main Apple website but the entire section comparing Apple and PC performance is gone.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Apple is now sleeping with an ally of the enemy. But I knew that whole “teraflop” thing was bullshit. Teraflops are one thing; real-world performance numbers are quite another, which is the very thing that stopped me from getting a G5 back then.

So what about now? The performance is finally at parity. The price is finally at parity. Given my hobby of music production, an activity that an Apple computer can do with one mouse tied behind it’s back, I’ve been seriously considering it.

Yuri Finally Makes Contact

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 16th, 2006

I finally got an e-mail from Yuri, one of the cool guys we befriended while at Bonnaroo last year. I figured his blackberry was destroyed or something. Anyway, as I said to Yuri, I’m going to wait to confirm my Bonnaroo-bound status this year until I see a list of signed bands. If Ween and/or New Pornographers are there, then I’ll be first in line.

Yuri and Me

Lego Creation

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 15th, 2006

A Star Wars fan had some spare time and created this (nearly) life-size model from The Empire Strikes Back.

In addition to Han Solo, this guy’s sex life is also frozen in carbonite.

Doofus

Fidelity Comparison

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 14th, 2006

While scanning a few random music channels on Sirius, I came upon a Talking Heads song, Wild Wild Life on the 1st Wave channel. I happened to have a Winamp session running at the same time so I quickly loaded up the MP3 of Wild Wild Life that I ripped myself in order to compare the two. I knew there would be a different order of compression for songs broadcast on Sirius but I never realized how much more it was compressed!

Yikes!

I can confidently say that the music fidelity on Sirius is far below CD quality. I was thinking with my recording setup that I could possibly record some cool music off the airwaves (like we used to do as youngsters) but now I don’t think it would be a good idea. Better to continue buying CDs from Amazon or brick & mortar stores and rip them myself.

Roe vs. Wade

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 11th, 2006

No, it’s not a debate on methods of crossing the Potomac (has anyone gotten sick of that joke yet? thought not).

I don’t know much about this Alito guy, the newest member of the Supreme Court, but I have a perspective on the abortion debate that I haven’t seen a lot of in the press.

As I understand how it works…if they ban abortion on a federal level, it becomes the responsibility of state legislatures to either go along with the federal ruling (and we can guess which states those will be, yes?) or rule against it. This will mean daughters of southern republicans & religioso nuts will have to make “midnight runs” to northern (and other free-thinking) states to have abortions. Some of those young women will be successful. Some will not. It won’t take too many years of this for those republicans to suddenly realize what they’ve done.

So I actually welcome the reversal. It’s the same axiom as “You Never Know What You’ve Got Until It’s Gone”.

Commercials on Pay Radio?

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on January 10th, 2006

When Howard took a break during today’s show, he did a live commercial for that idiotic Vermont Teddy bear and they also played a commercial for Verizon or something. I can’t believe they still play commercials on the new Howard Stern Show. So we’re paying to hear commercials? Sirius gets paid twice for the same airtime? That’s pretty creative but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. Their on-air argument for this development seems to be they need bathroom breaks and such. That’s understandable but could there possibly be something else to play? Like, I dunno, music? And how does reading a live commercial equal a break? Sorry, but I assumed that if I’m paying money that I would NEVER hear a commercial.

Commercials could be an easy revenue stream for HBO but they don’t air them, do they? Why do you think that is? Because HBO knows people would drop the service.