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Archive for September, 2004

What’s That Rumbling Sound, Dear?

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 30th, 2004

Experts predict a 70% chance that Mount St. Helens will erupt within the next few days. Yikes!!

How to Sing the Blues

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 30th, 2004

by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like ” I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, ” adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don’t care.

Quakecast Redux

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 29th, 2004

Catapulting us into the past once again…more Quakecast!

Quakecast Intro………..Stream…….MP3 Download

Spaceorb 360 Ad………Stream……..MP3 Download

Quake Phenomenon
with Mace Royer………Stream……..MP3 Download

The entire Quakecast
from Oct 2, 1997……….Stream……..MP3 Download (14.7MB)

10/1/04 edit: Time to pimp myself while you’re here. The Fixer is a song about beer. In retrospect, I should’ve put that link here two days ago but I think that would’ve been too obvious. I’m all about subtlety.

Conan the Utilitarian

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 28th, 2004

Looks like Conan O’Brien will get to realize what David Letterman never could…to be the host of the Tonight Show. According to this story, it won’t happen until 2009. Good for Conan, bad for us. You see, if we can take what happened to Dave’s act upon moving from 12:30 to 11:30 as any indication, Conan will no longer be funny.

Forward to the Past

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 26th, 2004

This evening’s entry flies in the face of Friday’s anti-luddite rant about embracing digital music and letting go of outdated technology. I have plans to record a few songs live to 2-track analog tape. Normally, I record directly to hard drive so this is a major change. Of course, I’ll be converting them to digital at as high a sampling rate as I can muster, but this is certainly a step backward technologically speaking.

Also, while looking for a long-buried software registration code, I encountered an old Quakecast recording I made 7 years ago. Quakecast was a very entertaining show on the mostly-defunct Pseudo Online Network, centering on the then-novel hobby of online multiplayer gaming. What always made me laugh was the “Intro Theme” to each Quakecast show, which was a dramatization of the original Quake “storyline.”

Click here for an MP3 stream of this intro.

Music in the 21st Century

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 24th, 2004

Face it, the way we listen to music has changed. Between satellite radio, portable MP3 players, computers, and network music servers, we have many options for enjoying our music collections. All of these options are much easier to use and offer far more flexibility than compact discs. Even the record companies have begun to accept the fact that the compact disc is slowing being replaced.

So why are you idiots still burning CDs? Pick up a calendar and get your shit together. I can already hear your dumb responses:

“But I have a CD player in my car. Whaaaa!!” Aww, that’s cute; a CD player in your car. How quaint. Get yourself a portable MP3 player and hook it up through the cassette thingy. You could also get XM or Sirius satellite radio.

“But I like making personalized mixes to CD. I can even make mixes specific to my mood. They really reflect who I am inside! Whaaaa!!” Christ, you’re pathetic. Did you know that you can make personalized playlists on an MP3 player in about a quarter the time to takes to burn a music mix CD? No? Not surprising.

“But I have a car CD player that can read MP3 files. Whaaaa!!” That’s step in the right direction but you can only fit about 100 MP3 songs on a CD. Not enough for a big road trip. Try again, Skippy.

“But I have a CD player in my house. Whaaaa!!” How nice for you. Congratulations. Connect your MP3 player to your stereo. Better yet, connect a computer to your stereo and use it as a music server. Alternately, if you get XM radio, you can take the car module into the house and listen to it there!

“But I don’t want to have to buy all that stuff. My way works just fine. Whaaaa!!” Fine with me. You are banned for refusing to accept change. Never return to www.cvanepps.com again. You can spend that free time on shopping for vintage 8-Track cassettes.

“But I still prefer to buy music on CDs. Whaaaa!!” So do I. What’s your point? Buy CDs and convert them to MP3s, dopey. Do I have to think of everything?

“But I like trading music mixes on CD with my friends. Whaaaa!!” 1) Buy a calendar for your friends. 2) Tell them it’s no longer 1991, and 3) Tell them to get their shit together.

“But I like keeping 100 CDs in that stupid softcover CD organizer thing and shuffling between them while driving. Whaaaa!!” Oh, I see. Do you eat retard sandwiches while driving, too?

“You’re a big meannie! Stop picking on me! Whaaaa!!” Shut up, or I’ll really give you something to cry about.

“Let me out of this trunk, I can’t breathe. Whaaaa!!” Christ, you’re getting on my nerves.

“You’ve tied my wrists too tight. They’re cutting into my bones. Whaaaa!!” That’s it, I’m stopping here, digging the hole, and dumping you in it.

Cat Stevens Terror Alert Chart

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 22nd, 2004

As a public service, I offer this useful chart to effectively gauge the risk that faces all American citizens from the most vile, sordid terrorist know to walk the earth: Cat Stevens. So I present the Cat Stevens Terror Alert Chart:

Cat Stevens must be stopped.

Deaths

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 22nd, 2004

Attila the Hun: One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila’s army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD-from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire-by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night.
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe: An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn’t get to the bathroom in time.
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition-but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells: Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he’d gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He’d anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare’s plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of “Organic Farming and Gardening” magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the “Dick Cavett Show”, while discussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged “I’m going to live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus: A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus’ head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack….while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He’d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

Chemistry in Hell

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 20th, 2004

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more then one of these religions and since people do not belong to more then more then one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
#1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate then the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster then the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that “it’ll be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Arrrggg, Ya Swab!

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 19th, 2004

Dumb Joke #1

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 17th, 2004

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?”

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

“Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent.”

For Die Hard Simpons Fans

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 16th, 2004

Not sure how accurate this map of the town of Springfield is, but it’s kind of funny.

T-Shirt Quotes

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 15th, 2004

“That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” (seen on an 8 year old)

“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”

“Procrastinate Now”

“Rehab Is for Quitters”

“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”

“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts — Do You Want Fries With That?”

“Party — My Crib – Two A.M.” (On a baby-size shirt)

“If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”

“ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING”

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes”

“STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”

“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”

“He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead”

“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN……Cops have nothing to go on.”

“HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”

“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS–But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

“HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.”

“HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”

“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”

“The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.”

“Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.”

“MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”

“Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.”

“Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”

Blogging For Dollars

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 13th, 2004

This story talks about the viability of making money running a “blog” or web-log, an online journal of sorts. Technically, that’s what www.cvanepps.com is, although it’s primarily a repository for my songs, past and future. My response to this story is, “are they fucking crazy?” What idiot is going to pay to read some doofus typing out of his ass? What the hell makes a blogger special? Nada.

The only thing that qualifies bloggers to be some kind of town cryer is 1) excess time and 2) technical skills (and item #2 is becoming less and less important). It’s a lot of fun having a site and I’d never dream of asking any of you for money. And honestly, you’d never dream of giving it to me. So it works out for both of us.

You know what it becomes when a blogger accepts money to run his site? Work.

Business Mentality

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 13th, 2004

Here’s a listing of actual e-mails and memos from respected businesses.

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company )

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. “My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Faux Jack Handy 5

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 12th, 2004

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Faux Jack Handy 4

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 10th, 2004

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

What the…

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 9th, 2004

There’s a story out of South Carolina that tells of a man who robbed a bank using a rusty pitchfork. The funny part is that he got the money and he got away with his female accomplice driving a van. A police sketch artist interviewed witnesses and has made this composite drawing:

Be on the lookout for M. and P. Kettle.

Also, there’s more Allison Pictures. Grethel (my sister in-law) can’t be stopped with that camera!