Movies I've watched recently:

Today, the Rapture Begins

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on May 21st, 2011

Yes, you heard correctly.  Today’s the big day.

The Rapture has been foretold many times in the past: 1844, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942, 1975, 1981, 1988, 1989, 1992, 1993, and twice in 1994.  Harold Camping, radio evangelist and official “King of th’ Mustard” was responsible for the second of those failed 1994 predictions and despite this epic fail, he’s the man behind the popular claim that the rapture is again coming today.  Many thousands of people around the world believe this to be a fact.  Many of them have quit their jobs, stopped saving for their kids’ college funds, sold their belongings, and joined in a worldwide campaign to spread the word.

As I understand it, it’s supposed to happen at 6 pm locally, around the Earth.  That’s right: each time zone will get it’s own little “mini-rapture.”  How grand.

Exactly what is supposed to happen at 6:00 pm on Saturday May 21st, one may ask?  Well, only the true believers in Jesus Christ’s divine grace are spirited away, bodily, into heaven.  In other words, they (supposedly) rise up into the sky for the purpose of being spared the fate of those left behind.  What’s to happen to those left behind?  Glad you asked.  Five months of anguish and torment, that’s what, the conclusion of which will end the world.

What a truckload of fucking bullshit.

I’m not at all curious what these people will do come Sunday the 22nd because I already know.  Most of them, their faith renewed, shall begin awaiting calculations for the next prediction.  How do I know this?  Well, what do you think they did the day after the originally-predicted days in 1844, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942, 1975, 1981, 1988, 1989, 1992, 1993, and twice in 1994?  You think they turned to stone?  No, no, no.  They kept on keeping on!

On the flip-side of that coin…some may actually kill themselves jumping from buildings or mountaintops or what-have-you, fully expecting to be caught mid-air.  My only hope is that these true-believers convince the rest to join them.  For the good health of our world, we’d all be better off without them.

Suddenly, at the last minute…

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on May 20th, 2011

I was all prepared to wave goodbye to this blog and all it’s contents.  I’d backed everything up of course to the tune of 1.8 GB (who knew this place holds that much crap?) and I’d contacted Lunarpages, the stalwart hosting service that has been around since the beginning, about my imminent departure, despite being a satisfied customer.

“I’m ridding myself of superfluous expenses,” I said, which was true.

“How about a 50% discount?” they replied.

“I accept,” I excepted.

So, here we all are once again.  I can keep this site up for another 12 months of hosting Craig’s List pictures, videos that get DMCA’d by YouTube, a popular thread about a defunct software company, and private ramblings that no one cares about.

Woo Hoo!

Men Standing While Urinating: the Penultimate Post

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on April 6th, 2011

According to the post counter, this is post number 1037.  I’m not sure what gets counted in that number; probably all the posts that were ever deleted or renamed…maybe even all the “pages” get their own post number.  But still, that’s a fair amount for a 9 year old blog.  I’ve stayed with Lunarpages hosting for all 9 of those years and I feel I’ve been treated well enough but this is an expense that I no longer need.  So I suspect there won’t be many more posts after 1038.

So I’d like to talk about something that has been bothering me for a number of years.  First, let me tell you about the latest episode of Nurse Jackie.

Nurse Jackie is a half-hour sitcom/drama on Showtime set in a hospital starring Edie Falco.  In Monday’s episode, Jackie tended to a patient who had a huge phobia about urine.  Specifically, her annoyance with the perception that men cannot aim well enough while standing at the toilet to ensure that every drop gets deposited in the bowl.  I’d like to go ahead and address this because I happen to be qualified to talk about what’s really going on with the mechanics involved.

Firstly, yes…some men probably cannot aim well.  These men will invariably hit the rim, the seat, etc.  I cannot claim to be 100% accurate with my aim either.  So that’s certainly a factor.

Secondly, it’s not the only factor.  Women seem to think that there’s a perfectly round hole at the tip of our penis from which a perfectly-formed stream of urine flows.

I’m terribly sorry to inform you ladies that…drumroll…it is not perfectly round.  Ever.

Consider first thing in the morning.  During those mornings wherein I do not have wood (which are getting more and more frequent as I approach 50) it is not uncommon for my urethra to be pinched or slightly squashed.  Can you guess what happens when liquid passes through a pinched straw?  Yes, ladies, it tends to spray.  Now, the pinched urethra doesn’t remain pinched throughout the entire urination session.  After a couple seconds of being pinched, the urine tends to “unclog” things.  In other words, the urine itself tends to separate those sections of urethra wall that have stuck to one another.  It’s only at this point that we’re able to aim properly.

For men who witness the morning spray and ignore it: that is most definitely their fault.  They have a responsibility to clean up after themselves and these men are in the wrong.  But get it straight, sister…it’s not necessarily about aiming skill.  I’d much rather be known as sloppy than a bad aimer.

Ladies, I tell you these things because I know no one else will.  It’s possibly an embarrassing topic for your man to dive into so I’m doing my best to let you in on some facts that may have been unavailable to you.  You’re welcome.

Fellas, I don’t feel I’ve violated any gender secret here so rest easy.  After all, I didn’t tell them about what we do in the men’s restroom or how we secretly arrange ourselves at a row of urinals.  Had I revealed THAT, then surely I’d expect some form of retaliation.  But I truly feel I’ve helped us in the long run by telling the fairer sex about the pinched urethra.  It’s time they knew.

Re: Facebook

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on December 14th, 2010

I opted out of facebook even before I saw the movie.  But the thing people need to understand about facebook is this: users are not the customer.  They are the product.  The advertiser is facebook’s customer.

I Fucking Hate Christmas Music

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on December 12th, 2010

That is all.

The Best Movies You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on December 7th, 2010

As a purveyor of porn movies, I occasionally encounter a film that never had a multiplex run and therefore never had a chance to be seen by the masses.  It sort of proves that the movie marketing braintrust actually knows what they’re doing since it’s unlikely these films would make any money.  Blockbuster-status films that get multiplex treatment and yet lose money are reserved for Tom Cruise (Ooh, that felt good!).  So without further ado, in fact let’s skip all the ado and get right to the list.

The Alarmist (1997) – great movie about stepping into success and getting more than you bargained for. The plot in this film deserves special mention, which is rare because the plot is generally on autopilot for most movies. Here, it’s constructed by throwing a dart against a wall of scene descriptions on index cards…but that’s a very good thing.

All the Real Girls (2003) - This one’s as bittersweet a tale as you could ask for.  Small-town love story of a young man with a reputation for womanizing and his best friend’s sister.  Excellent, nuanced story with plenty of depth by North Carolina hillbilly director David Gordon Green.  I’m not kidding.  He really is a hillbilly.

Fandango (1985) - This’ll likely be the only 80s movie on this list since the 80s was a time of quality cinema dearth.  Five college buddies from the University of Texas circa 1971 embark on a final road trip odyssey across the Mexican border before facing up to uncertain futures, in Vietnam and otherwise.

Good Hair (2009) - Chris Rock may not be known as a documentarian, but I learned more about black culture watching this film than 30 years of watching black movies.  Highly recommended.

Last Night (1998) - From Cronenberg protégé Don McKellar comes a why-didn’t-I-think-of-that story of how regular people deal with imminent extinction.

May (2002) - Modern-day take on the classic Frankenstein story, May is a psychological horror about a lonely young woman traumatized by a difficult childhood, and her increasingly desperate attempts to connect with the people around her.

Storytelling (2001) - College and high school serve as the backdrop for two stories about dysfunction and personal turmoil.  Achingly funny and bizarre.

Sunshine Cleaning (2008) - Featuring the adorable pair of Amy Adams and Emily Blunt as sisters who start a biohazzard/crime scene cleanup business.  Touching and funny.

Synecdoche, New York (2008) - Probably the best movie in this entire list and perhaps the only movie to occupy it’s own genre: New Horror.

Your Friends and Neighbors (1998) - Unhappy couples fall apart and hop into other beds with other people.  This one’s particularly dark, which appeals to me.

Youth in Revolt (2009) - From the funny book comes the likewise funny movie starring Michael Sera as the lovestruck, awkward teenager doing what needs to be done for love.

Bongs For Sale At Seven Eleven

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on October 31st, 2010

The soda vending machine at work is still broken so I had to venture out to the convenience store across the street to arm myself with caffeinated beverages. While there, I spotted a display case containing glass bowls, bongs and various other “water pipes.” This coming from Georgia, what can be argued as the buckle of the bible belt. And if not the buckle, then certainly the little metal rod that gets inserted into the holes.

I remarked to the mouth-breathing clerk that I thought it was quite progressive and he seemed unwilling to share my celebratory discovery. “Yeah, he told me he was gonna start sellin’ ‘em.” I assumed he was referring to his manager/supervisor. “Well, I think it’s great progress,” I replied. The clerk refused to argue, perhaps the last convenience store clerk to adhere to the classic rule that the customer is always right.

I vow to return to the store, if only to take a picture.

Funny Pics for 9/11 (A Little Levity)

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 11th, 2010

Whole of the Part, Part of the Whole

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on May 23rd, 2010

Synecdoche, New York by long-time writer and Oscar winner, and now, first-time director, Charlie Kaufman,  is the kind of movie that only…oh, I’ll be generous here…1 in 15 will enjoy.  Those who know me well know that I have a love of film that represents a major annoyance.  For example, Doug Lahman loves to try to push my buttons by saying things like “Taxi Driver was probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen.  What a waste of time.” and the like.  One time, as part of a radio promotion, he won two tickets for a surprise screening.  The movie?  Punch-Drunk Love.  He hated it, of course.  Me?  I think Punch-Drunk Love is one of Paul Thomas Anderson’s very best work.

The point here is that I have an appreciation for a good art film.  Not everyone does.  That’s my point.  So I saw Synecdoche, New York about a year ago but it was one of those half-watching, half-asleep kind of deals, you know?  I watched it again last week and I find myself unable to get this New Style Horror film (could it even be science-fiction horror?) out of my mind.

First, let’s talk about that title.  Synecdoche (si-NEK-doh-kee) is a literary device.  Other literary devices are easy to explain on their own like irony or metaphor but synecdoche is merely a single side of a coin, the other side belonging to metonymy (meh-TAW-nuh-mee).  I’m going to outright steal from wikipedia because coming up with an original explanation for these two terms is just one of a great many things my walnut-sized brain cannot do.

From the Greek synekdoche, meaning “simultaneous understanding”), it is a figure of speech in which  something is used to refer to the whole thing, a thing (a “whole”) is used to refer to part of it, or a specific class of thing is used to refer to a larger, more general class.  Metonymy is easier because it’s related to metaphor.  Where metaphor relies on similarity to get it’s point across, metonymy relies on congruity.  More rigorously, metonymy and synecdoche may be considered as sub-species of metaphor, intending metaphor as a type of conceptual substitution.

OK, enough of that shit.  This is a movie review after all.  The film is set in Schenectady, New York and the title allows for a big-time play on words.  Hooray for the English language!  A nebbish theater director named Caden Cotard, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, is busy producing Death of a Salesman when his wife Adele, played by Catherine Keener, and their child, Olive, depart for Berlin so Adele can pursue her art career.

At this point, Caden unexpectedly receives a MacArthur Fellowship, giving him the money to pursue his artistic interests. He is determined to use it to create an artistic piece of brutal realism and honesty, something into which he can pour his whole self. Gathering an ensemble cast into an enormous warehouse in Manhattan’s theater district, he directs them in a celebration of the mundane, instructing each to live out their constructed lives.

As the mockup inside the warehouse grows increasingly mimetic of the city outside, Caden continues to look for solutions to his personal crises. He is traumatized as Adele becomes a celebrated painter in Berlin and Olive grows up under the questionable guidance of Adele’s friend Maria. He marries Claire, an actress in his cast. Their relationship fails and he continues his awkward relationship with Hazel. Meanwhile, a mysterious condition is systematically shutting down his autonomic functions one by one.

As the years rapidly pass, the continually expanding warehouse is isolated from the deterioration of the city outside. Caden buries himself ever deeper into his magnum opus, blurring the line between the world of the play and that of reality by populating the cast and crew with doppelgängers. For instance, Sammy Barnathan is cast in the role of Caden in the play after Sammy reveals that he has been obsessively following Caden for twenty years, while Sammy’s lookalike is cast for his part. Sammy’s own interest in Hazel sparks a revival of Caden’s relationship with her.

As he pushes the limits of his relationships, both personally and professionally, Caden lets an actress take over his role as director and takes her previous job as Adele’s cleaning lady. He lives out his days under the replacement director’s instruction, finally preparing for death as he rests his head on the shoulder of an actress in the play, seemingly the only person left alive in the warehouse. As the scene fades to grey, Caden says that he has an idea for how to do the play when the director’s voice in his ear gives him his final cue: “Die.”

That paltry plot description belies the humor, the wit, and the recursive wonder of this story.  If there’s a better way to get people to think about their own mortality in two hours, I’d rather not know about it.  The great thing about the film is that you don’t have to spend time thinking about what this action represents or why that character’s said what he just said…if you just watch it, it kind of finds it’s own purchase into your mind.  Repeated viewings also allow you access to things overlooked, of which there are many.  Some motifs to watch for: the psychology of Carl Jung, the burning house, artistic scale as part of the medium, and also references to clocks, delusion, and recursion.

I loved it, loved it, loved it!  And while I’m not alone, the film has been criticized for being ponderous, self-indulgent, and incomprehensible.  I wonder if there will be a sequel?  Metonymy, Florida?

Reel Time

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 16th, 2009

Here’s a page containing the best of my video projects.

And here’s the CD Release Announcement page featuring singles and other extras.

Enjoy.

Talk About Being Away

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 2nd, 2009

No one comes here anymore, I’m sure, but in case they do, I’d like to say ‘welcome, make yourself to home.’  Just don’t track mud in here, I just vacuumed.

Been Away

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on February 5th, 2009

January 2009 will go down in history as a watershed month: epochal, you might say.  Not because America has the first black President, although that’s nice too.  No, I’m talking about the Mollify Cocktail Lounge going completely silent for the month.

Some have blamed this silence for the U.S. economic collapse.  Others have tagged MCL’s January absence culpable for the widespread unemployment and myriad environmental issues.  But I say these problems are much much more simple than that.

See Link You Cheap Bastards

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on December 8th, 2008

Aaron Russo’s Freedom to Fascism

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on November 2nd, 2008

Interview with Aaron Russo

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on October 19th, 2008

Yesterday’s Tinfoil Hat is Today’s Reality

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on October 3rd, 2008

Congress is threatened with Martial Law if the bailout bill is not passed.

Blackwater Martial Law

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 24th, 2008

Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! Arrested

Posted by Christopher Van Epps on September 3rd, 2008

Thanks to Mike “Scoop” Maria for the vid.